SexyGossip

Here’s Amy Winehouse looking like a hairy but chesty Thai tranny hooker trying to convince tourists to spare their cash in return for a hefty dose of gift-wrapped STDs.

After her new boobs almost exploded on national TV (while appearing on BBC1’s Strictly Come Dancing for which she got the boob job to begin with) and she had to be rushed to the hospital, Wino was back on the streets displaying her inflatables like a new mama showing off her cubs. After all, she did pay over $50,000 for them (she had them specially ordered with a zipper and a small empty compartment in the silicone bag so she could stash her coke before passing through an airport security checks).

Problem is now she has two reasons to topple over (boobs first, teeth second): booze and upper deck gravity.

Pop singer Amy Winehouse can’t seem to catch a break, unless it’s a break in her newly stuffed chest, that is.  With rumors swirling that the British tabloid staple got her headlights lifted in a $50,000 bid to restore her curves just last Wednesday, it’s been claimed that Amy has already had an averse reaction to her new ta-tas and had to go to hospital on Saturday (October 10).

That day, Amy was clearly uncomfortable as she appeared as a back up singer for goddaughter Dionne Bromfield on the UK TV show Strictly Come Dancing, and had to check into the London Clinic a short while after.

“Amy started shouting, ‘I need to see someone, my boobs are f***ing killing me,’” a friend of the 26-year-old singer said.

Once at the clinic, “the doctors ordered her to stay overnight to make sure everything was OK. She only had her breasts lifted a few days ago and she should have been resting to let them heal instead of running around town.”

Hey, we say it’s lucky that the only thing she’s been doing with her new breasts is running all over town.  If they’re perky enough, we bet it won’t be long til Amy is trying to sniff a line off those suckers.  We’re no doctors, but just to be safe, we recommend she waits at least 6 weeks for that kind of physical exertion.

Amy Winehouse is going ghetto…and the result is a cross between MC Hammer and a cat with its tail stuck in the door. MC Wine-o has been recording her Jewmaican rapping sessions in her apartment and neighbours are complaining that she doesn’t stop until 5 in the morning. The following rap jewel is the result of one of those booze-fueled sessions and if any of you have cochlear implants you might just want to drill into your skull and rip them off.

“Listen. I can write ten raps a night, it don’t matter but you know that it’s tight.

“I will never wear my hair out unless I am with the best.

“Oh snap I never knew that. Well I know that I’m a Jew. Well, a Jewmaican.

“Anyway if you can, uh, smoke bacon, then, uh, I reckon that ah ah.

“I never knew that Zalon was so good at drums, it makes me feel dumb.

“You understand what I’m saying, and my boys be playing.”

At first glance we suspected that Amy Winehouse fooled a blind man who forgot his cane at home that she was a well-trained canine and if he grabbed her hand she’d help him cross the street (in hopes he’d let her sniff his crotch when she got him back on pavement land), but then we realized the guy, who must suffer from a nose tumour, thus making him unable to sniff out a skunk, even if it’s standing next to him, is her ex-lover and singer Tyler James.

Apparently the two dated (see shared coke lines from each other’s belly) back in 2003 when they were both working with Island Records. The two shared a romantic dinner at Pizza Express (?). And because we still think the guy has some serious visual issues, we present exhibit a, her tomato-sauce stained shirt (he was trying to feed her a slice of pizza but kept mistaking her lower right ribcage for her mouth).

When a fan asked Amy for a kiss (guy had just left a suicide note for his wife and kids so he had nothing to lose), she replied “Sorry, i’m with my boyfriend”.  So does this mean we can put the pregnancy rumours (with ex-hubby Blake) to rest? Not unless we think Amy’s lost her ability to go through a whole village of St.Lucians in between doing tequila shots off the back of a native ape..

Puffy-faced and fake-freckled has-been Amy Winehouse emerged from the darkness of her dentist office (wait a second, they have dentists in Britain??), sickly crack-addled eyes staring like a sick cow into the eager flash bulbs of the sad ragtag bunch of photogs dutifully snapping away.

Winehouse is renown for wearing stupid getups, but we think she really outdid herself this time around with what appears to be sloppy fake freckles on her nose. Nothing says “I’ve got my life back in order” like an eye-liner induced cry for help all over the center of your face, huh Amy?

At least on some level she knows she needs some help.  The troubled singer is said to have flown in a faith healer from her Caribbean home away from home, St Lucia.  The mystic, Peter Cletus Hippolyte, is said to be helping her kick her habit of drugs and alcohol for good.  That man certainly has his work cut out for him.  We recommend he begin by taking away whatever she used to make her face such a mess.

Mischa Barton visits the dentist and ends up in a psychiatric ward. Amy Winehouse goes for a couple of fillings and comes out with new freckles (see crazy eye-liner goes on rampage and attacks nose) and a malfunctioning zipper (probably same crazy eye-liner sees shaved pubic area as blank canvas and goes to town on it) . Can’t these crazy chicks just get swollen cheeks and a droopy upper lip like everyone else? Granted, Amy’s dentist is British and knowing that the state of dental health care in that country is as healthy as a her pap smear test, we’re actually surprised she still has fixable chompers…although we highly recommend she goes the denture option…because they could always double as a holding tray for coke.

The kid’s still got it!  We don’t know how Amy Winehouse has it in her to go on 48 hour benders like it’s nothing, but she does.  How much of a booze fest was Amy in for?  Well, she reportedly stopped by north London bar The Queens pub and witnesses say the soul singer was so sloshed she couldn’t even stand up when she walked in the door.  And that was only at 8:45 pm!

When she was ready to leave, Amy made her way to her car showcasing her busted up finger and nasty runny nose before slouching down in her seat and calling it a night.  The come down’s always the worst, isn’t it Amy?

Are you perplexed as to what to get a friend in rehab? Are you worried you won’t be able to find the perfect gift for your alcoholic friend? Want to break up with your girlfriend with a gift that lets her know you’re a loser? Fret no more, because Amy Winehouse is here to rescue you from your gift-giving troubles.

Record executives at EMI, fearful that Amy is now better at simulating a baboon relieving itself in the middle of the jungle than at writing songs and performing on stage, have found a new innovative way to keep the cash cow going: by rolling out a new range of cards and wrapping paper using her doom and gloom lyrics.

Jonathan Channon, EMI Music Publishing Europe vice president, said: “We are looking to create innovative revenue streams from our songs with mainstream retailers and the Amy wrapping paper and gift cards received a very positive response. These are songs which already have a great resonance with the public.”

“The first item in the Winehouse range will be wrapping paper with the chorus of Rehab emblazoned all over it.”

“The Amy-branded cards are classy too. You Know I’m No Good is best for heartfelt apologies and Back To Black, with an appropriate wreath, will be the respectful response to a bereavement.”

More like bad taste than class…but then again, Amy Winehouse is the poster child for bad taste in just about everything (and we’re not just talking about the after-taste and bad breath she ends up with after making out with a St.Lucian chimp up on the coconut tree).

Amy Winehouse in St.Lucia sucking her thumb while clutching on to the hair of an unfortunate friend. Amy Winehouse sucking her thumb while a St.Lucian child hugs her. Amy Winehouse sucking her thumb while her bodyguard carries her around…Next round of pictures: Amy Winehouse sucking on a chimp’s titty clutching on to her fur. And as for her next album? Lullabies for jungle babies.

We here she’s already applied for the adoption of a black child from St.Lucia. For the child’s sake we hope Social Services burn the application form…and write up a new application with her as the orphan in need of adoption. Monkeys, gorillas and urangatans can also listed as suitable parents…

As if it wasn’t bad enough that Amy Winehouse has given half the male population of St.Lucia plentiful genital gifts that come in the form of intense burning and itching, now she wants to harvest their sperm for the production of little black babies…because she’s so over white babies.

To explain, a British journalist recently spent time with Winehouse on the island, where the British singer had quite a few interesting things to say, all the while covered in what appeared to be self-inflicted cuts and burns. According the journalist, she also began drinking at nine in the morning.

Winehouse is currently staying in two island villas, which cost Universal around $3,300 per night. She’s also got six handlers, costing the record label $410 a day. This is in addition to the recording studio the label has installed for her personal use.

Says the source, “It’s cost almost $1 million, and all Amy has to show for it is a high tolerance for hard liquor.”

Asked about her relationship with husband Blake Fielder-Civil, who now has a baby with another woman, Winehouse says she and her troubled other half are “still in love.”

And because words of wisdom fly out of Amy Winehouse’s mouth at the same rate as flies flock into a crap-filled outhouse, she added: “I couldn’t have given him kids – and anyway I want black kids, not white kids.”

Let’s just hope St.Lucian’s know how to wear a triple-condom…

Booze can sometimes make you see things that are not there…and Amy Winehouse who’s on a steady diet of tequila and crabs (meant the crab cakes, not the venereal disease) wants to make sure she can kick the hell out of the little people in white coats and straps when they come to get her…and she has her bodyguard (who doubles as the big bear who holds her tight when she feels the need to suck her thumb, or one of his nipples) to help her when that time comes.

In other Apehouse related news, Amy is going to start her own clothing line. The fashion house behind this move is hoping she’ll give them retro-inspired designs, but the only designs she will be drawing on a piece of paper is of marijuana leaves and big hearts (to express her monkey love for her new guy)…

The people that watched Amy Winehouse’s concert in St.Lucia had a lot of fun, and it had nothing to do with great music…to them, it was the same kind of fun that you have when you get your hands on a baby chimp, you dress it in diapers and get it wasted on a bottle of tequila.

Mumbling, stumbling, flashing, falling down, forgeting the lyrics to her own songs, stopping to scratch her feet and at some point declaring she was bored!! The only thing missing was her crapping in her panties and throwing the poo at her audience…yeah, it must have been the bad weather that caused this particular concert to fail…

While in St.Lucia, Amy Winehouse often takes a break from sucking her thumb, fueling her brain cells with pot and tequila and robbing the male population of the island of its pubic health to practise her martial arts skills (always with a comb in her mouth so as not to swallow her tongue while attempting a sidekick). And when she reaches her goal of ten reps of kicks, exhaustion sets in, at which point she climbs in the bosom of her bodyguard and aks to suck his tit…you know, for comfort…