Archive for the "David Hasselhoff" Category

Wednesday’s Miscalleneous Junk You Might Like (11.02.2011)

“Y’all want me to show you how to break a neck with my thighs? Dang, i just sharted on Joe Jonas!”

Kris Humphries licking his post-divorce wounds by hosting a late-night party in Vegas, er, I’m guessing topless?

Demi Moore and Melanie Griffith need to get together and share a potato chip because they’re getting too scary to look at.

Gerard Butler has also lost a lot of weight. Must be the strictly no-vagina-for-a-month diet.

At least Coco and her braless ta-tas know how to eat. It’s more or less a 12-plate affair.

Who wants to see Sofia Vergara bend down to pick g-strings?

Heidi Klum gave her second costume ape nipples. And forced Seal to dress up like a monkey. Let me remind you, she’s a blue-eyed German and he’s black. Mel Gibson says he wants to bed her.

Miranda Kerr knows how to walk the streets of Manhattan.

Blake Lively getting carried around by shoe maker Louboutin.

David Hasselhoff wants to make a quick stop for a burger with onion rings.

And a couple of Angels spraying perfume in heaven.

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David Hasselhoff got dumped by girlfriend at this event

Here’s David Hasselhoff leaving Clinton’s Celebrity Fastcard Event in London with his girlfriend Hayley last night, moments before she dumped him (he actually tweeted this a couple of hours later: “So Hayley Roberts Has dumped me”) and for the life of me I can’t understand what propelled her to do such a cruel, cruel thing. Was it perhaps that he wanted to pass alcohol breath as CPR to all the Baywatch-themed ladies at the event? Or that he confused a man’s head for a giant cheeseburger and went for it? Or that he was flirting with the pavement moments after he arrived at the event? Really, Hayley, give the man a break! After all, he did propose to you…4 TIMES!!! At least no one can blame him for lack of eagerness. Or inability to humiliate himself over and over and over again.

'FASTCARD LUNCH PARTY' - DEPARTURES the-crap-we-missed-1019-05-480x720 article-0-0E6E517E00000578-651_468x636 article-2050710-0E6E517600000578-201_468x532 'FASTCARD LUNCH PARTY' - DEPARTURES FLYNET - Clintons Launch Party For Celebrity Fastcard VIP Guests
 

The Hoff threatens to kill himself if girlfriend doesn’t marry him…obviously he’s sober these days

David Hasselhoff (here showing how recurrent alcoholism can be so much fun) has proposed to his girlfriend three times so far, and thrice he has been denied. But certain she will eventually realize being a donor for his failing pancreas is something worth getting married for, he will keep proposing until she says “yes”. Or until he gets himself killed. Either way, this is not going to have a happy ending.

Via Zimeye.org:

“I proposed to her when we were in South Africa when we were under the ocean in a cage watching sharks and she refused even after I had told her that I was going to open the gate of the cage and we will be eaten by sharks.

“I even proposed to her in front of charging elephants and she still said no so I will again propose, as I do bungee jumping or the swing,”

He added: “For the next three days we are here in Victoria Falls and we intend to do a lot of adventure activities as we have a lot of fun with my fiancee and my cousin, as we see the world together.

“So basically we are having more of fun than anything. Here in Victoria Falls it is very spiritual. I think that sitting on the edge of the falls is the closest that you’ll ever come to God. And you’re going to want to jump.

“It is so powerful, you’ll just want to give yourself back to God .”

- BANG! Showbiz

 

David Hasselhoff proposes to girlfriend twice…and twice he gets turned down

Here’s one of the two pics David Hasselhoff posted over the weekend showing him on one arthritic knee in Cape Town, South Africa proposing to 31-year old British girlfriend of 7 months (whom he met by the way when she asked him for an autograph in England – not at all proof that The Hoff has standards and will bed anyone who utters the words “Baywatch”, “Knight Rider” “and i’m willing to hold your head up as you vomit in me toilet” in the same sentence). Said girlfriend turned him down twice and forced him to turn to Twitter and ask his fans to come up with ways to persuade her to say yes (“er, i’ll give you part of my royalty fees from Baywatch”, comes to mind?). Honestly, we have no idea why this chick won’t marry The Hoff. Is it that he loves to pick fights with parrots? Perhaps his passion for eating regurgitated cheeseburgers off the floor? Or his soft spot for trannies and tight leather/swollen testicles? We could go on all day here. This woman is obviously blind to the diamond of a man that’s staring her in the face (or somewhere in the vicinity of her face because Cape Town got kinda shaky after the 68th drink)!

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Nicole Kidman, Now 100% Botox Free

Brace yourself! Because you may find this simply shocking, but Nicole Kidman has used Botox! She told some random German magazine reporter that: “I’ve tried a lot of things but apart from working out and a good diet most things don’t help. I even tried Botox but I didn’t like how my face looked afterwards. Now I don’t use it anymore, and I can move my forehead again! I am completely natural. I have nothing in my face or anything.” But seriously though Nicole, just Botox? At one point she looking like she was dipping in formaldehyde. Besides that quote is kind of like David Hasselhoff saying that he tried drinking but he didn’t like it.

But hey, new year new you!

 

David Hasselhoff is a Flamboyant Pirate, Yet Totally Sober

Arr capt’n. Thar be the unemployment line ahoy!

Here’s David Hasselhoff dressed up as a dandy pirate while hanging out with his old buddy KITT in London for his Peter Pan musical. Now call me old fashioned but I don’t really think it’s such a great idea to dress an alcoholic up as Captain Morgan. Or put him near the steering wheel of a car. And then give him a hook for a hand. Well I guess you have to possess tremendous skills to eat a gin-moisten hamburger off the floor with a hook. So maybe it won’t do any harm.

I did however think KITT had more sense these days than to be seen hanging around with this clown. Shame on you KITT, shame, on, you.

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David Hasselhoff Needs a Reality Check; Nobody Likes You!

David Hasselhoff was feeling hassled, no wait, hasselhoffed (HAHA holy shit I’m hilarious) after becoming the first celebrity voted off ‘Dancing With the Stars’ on Tuesday. Friends and insiders close to the ‘Baywatch’ star say David was shocked and humiliated by the surprising results.

“David thought he had a bigger fan base and just can’t understand what happened,” a friend of The Hoff’s said. “He honestly thought he had a chance to win this competition. He would have never agreed to even participate if he thought for one second he would be the first to go.”

And just like his dance moves, the bruised drama queen didn’t exactly accept his defeat with grace.

“David is blaming everyone but himself for the vote,” a friend of his said. “Backstage after the show, he was blaming the producers, the lighting guys and even the costume department.”

Aww, poor little Mitch Buchanan. Maybe he should have rolled around the floor drunk while eating a cheeseburger and uttered incoherent sentences, people seemed to love that last time around and it sure as heck didn’t humiliate him at all.

Now he’ll be the guy that America decided was less talented than Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino and Bristol Palin.

David Hasselhoff was feeling hassled, no wait, hasselhoffed (HAHA holy shit I’m hilarious) after becoming the first celebrity voted off ‘Dancing With the Stars’ on Tuesday. Friends and insiders close to the ‘Baywatch’ star say David was shocked and humiliated by the surprising results.

“David thought he had a bigger fan base and just can’t understand what happened,” a friend of The Hoff’s tells me. “He honestly thought he had a chance to win this competition. He would have never agreed to even participate if he thought for one second he would be the first to go.”

 

David Hasselhoff released from psychiatric hold, ex-wife gets charged with DUI

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Not a very pleasant weekend for The Hoff and his ex-missus as it seems they both opted to have a romantic date with the bottle. And while David’s excuse was, as usual, his medication doing weird and nasty things to him, Pamela Bach’s excuse was, well, his “condition” pushing her over the top.

David Hasselhoff was released on Sunday afternoon after a 48-hour stay at a Los Angeles hospital. According to Radar Online, the staff at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center could have legally held “The Hoff” for 72 hours under California law, but his health apparently deemed that he was in good enough condition to leave.

Hasselhoff was originally hospitalized on Friday after experiencing some seizures. Reports are that he had consumed alcohol in the two days prior to the incident and that he was also on anti-seizure medication.

Meanwhile, his ex-wife, Pamela Bach, who has her own history of alcohol abuse, was arrested in Los Angeles around 8 p.m. Saturday after getting pulled over by the California Highway Patrol and then flubbing a sobriety test. She had breathalyzer tests of .14 and .13, the CHP said, well above the legal limit of .08. Bach was booked at the Van Nuys Jail, and released Sunday morning.

She is due in court in Van Nuys on Dec. 24.

Although David’s lawyer denied him being hospitalized at all and told E!News all rumors were false, his ex-wife confirmed it while talking to TMZ.

“I am remorseful and mortified,” she was quoted as telling TMZ. “I am going through a really difficult time between David being in the hospital and dealing with the divorce.”

Pamela told the site she would be attending an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting later in the day.

 

The Hoff tries to off himself with booze…again

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David Hasselhoff was rushed to Los Angeles’ Cedars-Sinai Medical center Saturday after his 16-year old daughter Hayley found him unconscious on the floor of his home in Encino, California.

For those of you who don’t know the Hoff’s love affair with the bottle, this is about the 10th or 11th time he’s been taken to the hospital with alcohol posoining (we’re just thinking the guy wants to die in a happy stupor, so in a few years when he can’t “rescue” any more chicks from vaginal dryness they should just let him do so).

The exciting part this time was that the rescuer was his ex-wife actress Pamela Bach from whom he’s been bitterly estranged.Hayley called her mom, who lives 10 minutes away in the Hollywood Hills and she rushed to the rescue and drove him to the hospital where doctors yet again saved his life (and here we are thinking she would be driving like a stoner, i.e really, really slow…guess she rose above all that). 

This time the vodka-loving David registered a staggering .39. alcohol level. Drunk driving in California is 08.A source told RadarOnline.com that a frightened Hayley kept “slapping her dad’s face” to keep him alive. “He was barely breathing when they got him at the hospital.

“He’s recovering. Pam was his bedside till 4a.m. this morning. This is about the 7th time he’s been taken to a hospital over the last few years with alcohol poisoning. How many visits will it take before he dies?”

And for those that want to relive all the brilliance that is The Hoff when he’s drunk as a skunk and eating a burger (through his nostrils) here’s the raw video of him back in 2007 (the only downer is that his 14 year-old daughter has to endure watching her dad being an absolute wreck).