Archive for the "Fat" Category

Fake Lottery Ticket Prank Fail!

 

This Is Why You Can’t Lose Weight

Many countries hate on America calling us lazy and obese.  I see a lot of people trying to stay healthy and get fit by exercising, eating healthy etc…and then it dawns on me.  We’re planning to survive the Apocalypse and re-populate the Earth by living off our fat reserves.  Dec 2012, the end of the Mayan calendar and also the fattest we’ve ever been according to Health Now Magazine. Coincidence?  See, I knew there was a reason to this insanity.  This is why you can’t lose weight…it’s for the salvation of future man!  I never understood why the sudden craze in Wii and Kinect games…if we really wanted to lose weight, we could just go  outside.  But, by “playing” inside, we are staying connected through the network as we pretend to be health minded.  We are able to eat often, while throwing the enemy off our scent.  Well played.  Well played.

 

The first rule about FAT Club, is never to talk about FAT Club. ;-)

 

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Kevin Federline Rushed to Hospital Due to Fatness

Well, the official reason was because his heart was showing signs of “distress.” Some news outlets are calling it a minor heart attack!  However, we all know what they really mean. He is fat and was trying play football with an Australian football club. What did they expect to happen? I mean it is great he was trying to get some exercise, but maybe he should start with something a little easier? Perhaps, some light Yoga and a few jumping jacks? If you’re wondering, Kevin is only 33 years old! That is too early to be that out of shape and having heart issues. He’s currently shooting a reality show named, “Excess Baggage.” So, I am guessing it’s about his journey to lose weight, or something. Which is great! He needs to get healthy, and I think the fact that he is already having heart issues is a clear sign of that. It’s easy to see why he let himself go. He lost all his fame and Britney Spears, and was considered to be a big loser by most people. Rock bottom was probably when; “Twinkie” was his only remaining Facebook friend. Anyway, let’s hope that he recovers from this and gets back in great shape! We’re rooting for you, Kevin! Burn off the loneliness!
 

A Response to Christina Aguilera

A few days ago I wrote a pretty harsh article towards Christina Aguilera. I even called her, “disgusting.” However, if you read the article I think I explained why I thought she was disgusting in a polite manner. Well, now Christina is fighting back at the critics (like me) and she had a lot to say. Let’s take a look at some of her quotes… ‘Being too thin. Being bigger. I’ve been criticized for being on both sides of the scale. It’s noise I block out automatically. I love my body. My boyfriend loves my body. My son is healthy and happy, so that’s all that matters to me.’ ‘When I worked on Burlesque, I lost so much weight that I was too skinny.’ ‘I happen to be very confident in my own skin. It takes time to get to that place, but it’s all about embracing yourself and your body.’ Now, all of that is just fine! If she is happy, it doesn’t matter what some blogger on the internet says. But, I just want to clarify on why I still think she is disgusting and why she shouldn’t be comfortable wearing some of clothes she wears. I am not hating on her just because she has gained weight, I mean there are some “curvy” ladies that are really hot. I am not against having a few pounds on you, but what I am against is chubby women dressing like they’re still skinny. That is exactly what Christina Aguilera does, and it just doesn’t look right. I mean why go braless when you know your breasts have been through hell and back? It just doesn’t make any sense. Why can’t you class it up? If you weren’t shoving your unattractive breasts at us everyday, maybe you would be a little more attractive. It’s like that one housewife who still refuses to grow up, you know? And, every time the mailman comes by she is out watering her lawn, in an old pair of daisy dukes. But, they look horrible and don’t fit, so they’re more like a pair of daisy nukes. You know what I am talking about? You know.
 

Britney Spears Wants a Deep Fried Wedding!

Well, Britney Spears has already started planning her wedding to Jason Trawick. The Daily Mail reported the following… For her third time down the aisle, Britney Spears is hoping, understandably, for a low-key, traditional affair. The 30-year-old singer is alleged to be planning a traditional, Southern-style country wedding to fiancé Jason Trawick, 40. According to US reports, Spears and Trawick will be shunning the typical Hollywood wedding in favour of a small family celebration, possible in her hometown of Kentwood, Louisiana. A source claimed to InTouch Weekly: “She wants a traditional Southern-style wedding with comfort food, surrounded by her family, her two sons and all of her childhood friends.” I love when people say that, “Comfort Food” it’s just another way of saying, “Fatty Food.” No one ever has healthy comfort food. You never hear anyone say, “I miss my mom’s ground turkey burger; it was such a great comfort food.” No one likes eating turkey burgers, they’re disgusting. If you want to eat a burger, then eat a freaking burger. Don’t eat a poultry burger! Plus she says she wants to be surrounded by her family and childhood friends. Isn’t that comfort enough? Why do you need some fried pickles to go with it? Food isn’t supposed to be comforting! Food gives you energy and helps keep you alive. If you want comfort, go hug a fat person. I realize I just went off on a random rant that didn’t have much to do with Britney Spears. I apologize to those of you that were actually hoping for a breakdown of her upcoming wedding. If I get invited, I will be sure to give you all the details. You know the digits, Britney. Hit me up.
 

Russell Crowe is no longer a Fatty?

I don’t know if a lot of you know this, but Russell Crowe got pretty tubby. You can see in the pictures that were taken just six months apart. You can tell that he has indeed lost some weight in the past six months, but I am not jumping on the bandwagon just yet. He is wearing pretty baggy clothes, so it’s not possible to get an accurate picture of his weight. I will say his face does look a little slimmer and his legs do look a little toner, but I am not convinced he his giving it his all. I think he is still packing some cupcakes in every once in awhile, and that is fine! Have a few cupcakes, he looks to be at a healthy weight now. He’s a famous actor and has a lot of money; he doesn’t need to be ripped to get hot chicks. Once a hot chick finds out that you’ve been in a movie, the panties just drop off and before you know it you are in happy town. So, it’s okay to be a little chubby, Russell. Take a few walks, do a few push-ups and maybe some jumping jacks, you’ll be just fine. You might not ever get back to your Gladiator days, but that’s okay! You are in perfect shape to play some clueless dad on a TV sitcom. If Tim Allen can keep landing jobs, then you can too!
 

Britney Spears: Looks Like Someone Knocked Her Up One More Time!!

That’s right. We here at The Daily Fix know that when a star starts to get pudgy and they start talking about how they’re just addicted to chocolate, well, that means only one thing… the b!tch is knocked up!

If you look at the pictures of Britney while on her Femme Fatale tour, you see that she’s been wearing a lot of corsets and costumes that strap across the torso, all outfits that deter away from the bulging belly region. Even when we do see her midriff, it always appears that she’s trying to suck in… and failing miserably.

When asked, Britney stated that her recent weight struggle is due to her love of chocolate and her lack of motivation. “I haven’t been to the gym in, like, two weeks,” she stated.

If she really is, indeed, expecting, then I have only one thing to say to her: For God’s sake, please put that kid in a car seat!

Britney Spears Getting Fat Britney Spears... Belly poochin' Britney Spears... Sucking in Britney Spears Kinda Thick Britney Spears Getting Pudgy
 

Wednesday’s Miscellaneous Junk You Might Like (10.26.2011)

Courtney Stodden should take lessons from Shauna Sand on how to not get kicked from a pumpkin patch. “You make sure you always bring kids with you and when you flash your beaver be respectful to the pumpkins.”

Chaz Bono continues to slowly kill America with his creepy flat man-boobs.

Marilyn Manson started eating children early for Halloween.

Robin Williams just got married, which means we now have to be subjected to old folk make-out (in Paris).

Katy Perry’s crotch is trying to bring seizures about with its strobe lights.

Olivia Wilde going to her first directorial movie “Free Hugs”. I’m guessing she’s in need of a hug…or a fondle?What? Am I reading that slit wrong?

JLo’s youngest less attractive, less rich, less young-looking sister would like to sink those chompers in that Versace-clad back wouldn’t she?

Geri Halliwell wore that to support George Michael at his concert. “Thanks Geri. Now I’m assuming there’s a penis tucked underneath, otherwise I’ll have to return it. Tag’s still attached?”

Michelle Obama, really, really wants to eat that worm.

Denise Richards enjoying the new house Charlie Sheen bought for her.  “Charlie is the best father anyone could have. And his hookers are very nice and descent people, we’re all going to a picnic of love next week. God I love my new driving range!!!”

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Thursday’s Miscellaneous Junk You Might Like (10.13.2011)

Kelly Clarkson is turning into a man.

Carla Bruni’s belly has reached epic proportions.

Olivia Munn and Tatum O’Neil strip down for the stripper movie Magic Mike. This one’s going to be a magical movie, isn’t it.

Madonna should know better. Bell bottoms don’t flatter an ewok’s figure.

Is Hillary Swank starting to suffer from flab-ass-itis?

Demi Moore takes time from Asthton Kutcher’s wondering penis to model for Ann Taylor.

Julia Robert’s 43-year old knees are holding up pretty well.

Lady Gaga is wearing a fancy garbage bag.

This has got to be the bottom for Christina Aguilera. Someone, just bring down that hatch and end this.

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Monday’s Miscellaneous Junk You Might Like (08.10.2011)

Miranda Kerr gets completely naked for Australia’s Harpers Bazaar. Which is a fashion magazine. About clothes. Ok, that turban is pretty fashionable.

Katie Holmes’ cleavage is more desolate than an African village plagued by drought. And later, Tom Cruise goes for some well-documented PDA. He washed his hands with Lysol afterwards and looked at his photo album of penises to make him forget. Kinda like comfort food.

Looking at 53-year old Sharon Stone in a tight mini dress is like drinking milk that’s slightly beyond its expiration date. It doesn’t make you throw up, but you wished you didn’t take that huge gulp.

Holly Madison reminds us of the important things in life: Oktoberfest and beer.

Lady Gaga is into rams now.

Demi Lovato is on her way to winning over alcoholism and bulimia. Don’t let that water fool you. She ate the Twinkies and the beef jerky before the guy gave her change back.

Serena Williams and country singer Jake Owens were out on a romantic date. “I said, gimme your goddamn fries or I’ll shove a tennis ball in your mouth. And then strip down to a bikini!”

Kim Kardashian’s ass defies air brushing (Australian InStyle).

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Axl Rose looks like he ate Guns N’Roses

And on to ridiculously fat people who used to be able to bang an entire bus of groupies without even putting the microphone now. We give you Axl Rose, 1985′s Casanova-extraordinaire, here at Guns N’Roses concert in Brazil last night. Axl, who most likely buries his face into apple pies and whole-roasted chickens these days instead of funbags, refused to move around the stage blaming it on the rain:’

Good evening… good morning! Please bear with us and give us a little second here to figure out what to do about not falling on our asses.‘I’m going to try to focus on singing rather than running around like an idiot. I’m better at being an idiot. We want everybody to be careful.’ (“and can we wrap this up because i have a date with fatchicks.com?)

Ok, if this is not the saddest story ever, i don’t know what. I’m not saying it’s time someone took Axl in the barn and shot him down but we should at least consider it. What’s that Sarah Palin? Wanna shoot him down from a helicopter?

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Conrad Murray Gets A Pedicure And Other Junk You Might Like (10.04.2011)

It seems the strain of being tried for manslaughter is too much for our good physician. Hookers and Scotch after the pedicure and manicure.

Gwen Stefani celebrates her 42nd birthday by going about in London in her white see-through bra.

Jessica Simpson continues the tradition of the Cow Parade. And Erik Johnson is there to hold her hand because long cons take time and commitment, damn it!

Rihanna’s wax figure is about to be unveiled and as expected it is appropriately dressed to allow the nation to ass-grope her.

Vanessa Hudgens has just crossed the line of an acceptable amount of padding to doughy.

Kristen Stewart has a movie to promote, thus, the bikini and lingerie parade in various magazines.

Alicia Silverstone and her husband Christopher look like they just spent the night under a bridge.

Pippa Middleton’s royal cleavage at 4:30am.

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Monday’s Miscellaneous Junk You Might Like (10.03.2011)

Evangeline Lilly’s cleavage steals the show from Hugh Jackman at Real Steel’s premiere in L.A.

Lindsay Lohan and her nipples looked disheveled at Kanye West’s fashion show.

Leann Rimes proves bones also carry the curse of cellulite. She just put down that celery stick, didn’t she?

Anna Friel was a slutty pirate with an out-of-control hair piece at Bob Geldof’s 60th birthday party.

AnnaLynne McCord needs to eat. Jared Leto needs to eat. In fact everyone needs to eat. Except Mariah Carey who ate her five dogs at the end of their park walk. Exercise does bring on the munchies.

Continuing the “marriage makes you fat, ugly or both” theme from the previous week: Anna Faris and Ben Affleck.

Jessica Simpson takes out what was under her dress all this time. Surprisingly it isn’t a bag of chocolate-covered nachos.

Rihanna changes her hairdo and upgrades her wardrobe to Jersey Shore status.

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No child support for this one, so Kevin Federline is shopping his 5th kid around

Here’s Kevin Federline and his girlfriend Victoria parading his fifth offspring around in hope someone will snap a picture and give them 20 bucks for it, since Britney Spears refused to give him a raise. “ Er, Brit, i need me some more money, them washing dishes at home, no get me no dow, you know?” “Say what? You done fryin’ up that chicken Kev? I’m hungry yo. And them gritters yo!! Sweet shit yo!”

Anyway, let’s not take away from the beautiful family moments these lovely pictures depict. Yeah right: “The fuck daddy!! You just squeezed my hypothalamus out of my left ear with your bean bag of a belly. Stop eating you lazy bastard!! You have one more mouth to feed now!!” *quotes by baby Jordan*

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Tuesday’s Miscellaneous Junk You Might Like (09.27.2011)

Vanessa Hudgens almost falls out at a Cirque Du Soleil event.

Elizabeth Hurley plays a hungry cougar on Gossip Girl.

Snooki lost 15lbs after a sensible diet comprising of Dina’s saliva and whatever sperm lay on the floor every time she fell down.

Kim Kardashian continues to pollute NYC with her fake happiness. Wait, this one was genuine, someone threw a 100 dollar bill at her.

Octomom and Amy Fisher will fight it out at celebrity fight club. We’re sure it will all go down with poise and dignity.

Charlie Sheen is allowed around his kids and Denise Richards is actually smiling. We’re begging you, Charlie, bring mayhem and meltdown back!!!

Chris Brown takes a tumble on stage and almost breaks his arm.

Jessica Simpson ate a few Mexicans before she left Los Cabos.

Lady with the alien-looking baby, what have you done with Alicia Silverstone??

Leann Rimes and her nipples felt the breeze yesterday. Must be that she only has 000.1% body fat to shield her from the cold.

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Chaz Bono will win this whole competition (DWTS)

And here’s the picture that proves it. What? Don’t they say proof is in the pudding?? Or was it the meatloaf? Seriously though, if you have to go through all that surgery to become a man, wouldn’t you at least ask them for a little stomach stapling so you don’t get the urge to kidnapp a bunch of elves and force them to bake chocolate chip cookies and insert them directly into your stomach via a large tube? Just saying, it doesn’t make sense.

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Jessica Simpson continues to expand

Jessica Simpson is supposed to be training with Tracey Anderson and getting married soon, so those things together would ordinarily be sufficient enough motive to stop her from clearing out all neighborhing supermarkets from cookie dough. Seen here getting the only exercise that makes sense, i.e walking from the car to the nearest hotdog stand, Jess could of course be babynated, which is not a remark we make lightly since we’ve suggested that before, only to find out she had just intercepted a ship on its way to Africa and emptied out all the beef jerky and porridge from its containers. You draw your own conclusions.

 

Chaz Bono is rubbing off on DWTS Lacey Schwimmer

Let this photo be exhibit #1 that the only practise Lacey Schwimmer and Chaz Bono are getting these last couple of weeks  is on how to eat a dozen hotdogs in 60 seconds flat. If you don’t believe us, just check her pics of just a few months ago when Chaz had not yet taught her the all important lesson of how to eat a confused lesbian and still have plenty of room left for a trough full of spare ribs. Aside from that, did she have to borrow Jessica Simpson’s pants? We’re guessing because they worked so well on the last one??

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Lindsay Lohan in a Bikini (Wear a Condom While Looking at These)

It puts the coke on its gums before it has to pose again.

Here is that old skank-bag Lindsay Lohan, vacationing in Miami after posing for a Plum magazine photo shoot. And well, compared to what we were expecting, this looks remarkably non-terrifying.

Given enough support, those bikini stuffers look almost decent…almost enough to ignore the duck lips and the arm bruise. But then you remember how saggy they are, and your penis makes that sad slide whistle sound… Lets just leave it at that.

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If You Value Your Life, Don’t Call Vanessa Hudgens Fat

If you criticize Vanessa Hudgens’ weight, she will pop a cap in your ass. She made this very clear in an interview with U.K. magazine Fabulous:

“I can get very gangster at times. I used to be very timid. Now I’m my own person. I don’t feel pressure to look a certain way. My weight fluctuates, like any normal girl. If anyone told me to lose weight, I’d say ‘f%$k you’ and walk away.”

In the blood-in blood-out world of red carpet stardom, “you’re fat” is the equivalent of a drive-by shooting. Every time a starlet slaughters a paparazzo, she gets another vapid phrase tattooed in cursive somewhere on her person. What, you thought LiLo’s ink was just for show? Hardscrabble tween icons earn that shit on the mean streets of Rodeo Drive, in between cocaine binges and sexting marathons.

 

Wait, is Scarlett Johansson Pregnant..? Oh OK, Just Fat

These pictures were taken of Scarlett Johansson on Sunday as she went for a jog with her new not-so-super-secret boyfriend Sean Penn, starting rumors that she was actually pregnant. Well the rumors spread like wildfire and her rep had to deny the pregnancy rumors by blaming the whole thing on her shirt. No, really:

“She’s outside running and it’s simply the placement of her shirt that is misleading. She’s been training for The Avengers for over four months and is in the best shape of her life.”

Why not just blame it on her sports bra. Say it’s pushing her boobs so far back they are coming out from all angles. That seems believable, right?

But yeah, she’s running. Which is obviously a sign she wants to lose weight. Consider me a genius. End of story.

EXCLUSIVE: Sean Penn and Scarlett Johansson Out for a Jog With Owen Wilson ***NO INTERNET USE*** EXCLUSIVE: Sean Penn and Scarlett Johansson Out for a Jog With Owen Wilson ***NO INTERNET USE*** EXCLUSIVE: Sean Penn and Scarlett Johansson Out for a Jog With Owen Wilson ***NO INTERNET USE*** EXCLUSIVE: Sean Penn and Scarlett Johansson Out for a Jog With Owen Wilson ***NO INTERNET USE*** EXCLUSIVE: Sean Penn and Scarlett Johansson Out for a Jog With Owen Wilson ***NO INTERNET USE*** EXCLUSIVE: Sean Penn and Scarlett Johansson Out for a Jog With Owen Wilson ***NO INTERNET USE***
 

Alicia Silverstone is All Kinds of Pregnant

So apparently Alicia Silverstone is about to give birth to a little Cher Horowitz. I’m  judging this by the fact she looks like Britney Spears from the neck down and neck up like anyone featured on Faces of Meth… also known as being pregnant. Some people might say it’s not fair to post or comment on candid photos of a pregnant woman who, in her defense, looks less likely to go into labor than say, Kirstie Alley. However, I don’t give a shit, so there is that.

Meh I guess I can write something nice about her, how about she still looks hot in that un-showered, pregnant, no bra, fat, crocs wearing sort of way.

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Khloe Kardashian Has Come to Terms With Being a Fat Transvestite

The three Kardashian whores sisters recently sat down with LOVE Magazine for a photo shoot and interview, and among other things, the youngest and the Wookieest of the three talked about the insults that she hears.

“I’m the ugly sister, I’m the fat one. I’m the transvestite. I have had those mean things said about me at least twice a day for the last five years. It’s horrible, you know? But I can brush that stuff off.”

Yep, that about sums up the feeling I have about this vulgar foul mouthed Sasquatch. But to answer your question Khloe, yeah, we know… We ARE those people. At least you now have a firm understand­ing of the nature of our relationship.

You know the old saying, if it looks like Chyna from WWF and queefs like Chyna from WWF then… well, you know the rest.

 

Jennifer Love Hewitt is in Hawaii, Wearing a Bikini and Scaring Away Erections

So you remember how Jennifer Love Hewitt was hot prior to 2007 when she became fat, then went kinda back to her hot self in 2009 and 2010. Well now it’s 2011 (happy New Year by the way) and Jennifer Love Twinkies is in Hawaii showing how her body has joined back up with the Fat side of the Force. What the hell are those ghosts whispering to her? That cake fights cancer?

Time to get a pair of them gigantic clown sunglasses that Paris loves to wear. They cover up a multitude of sins and Jennifer needs ‘em. The breasts can only distract for so long before a man looks up at the face. Having said all that I’d still wreck that thing. I mean, more than it is already.

In other news,  the supply of grass-skirt material (ED: umm… grass?) has been seriously depleted in Hawaii.

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OH NO! Elle Magazine Hates Fat People

People are freaking out about the 25th Anniversary issue of Elle magazine which has released it’s magazine with 4 different covers. Each cover showing someone on their list of 25 notable women under 25. The covers show Megan Fox, Amanda Seyfried, Gabourey Sidibe, and Lauren Conrad.

Sidibe is actually 27, but that’s not why Elle is facing criticism. Gabourey Sidibe, star of the movie “Precious, a novel by STFU nobody cares about your novel” is depicted on the cover with a close-up shot, while the other girls have full body shots, and this has put fatties nationwide into a Hulk-like rage. Personally I find it offensive for any magazine to show this incredibly obese girl on their cover. No one in their right mind wants to see her.

 

Chubby Guys Are Better in the Sack

Bring on the bacon cheeseburgers, folks, because fat guys do it better (or, they can at least do it for longer – which, for most women, implies better). Salon.com recently reported that researchers from Erciyes University in Turkey just completed a yearlong study on how a man’s BMI impacts his sexual performance, and the results show that heavier guys last longer in the sack-six-and-a-half minutes longer, to be exact. The heavier men who participated in the study were able to last an average of seven minutes and 18 seconds, while the lighter men only lasted an average of one minute and 48 seconds. As with all of these sorts of scientific studies, we are curious about the methodology. Did a bunch of Turkish researchers in lab coats stand around with stopwatches and time men of various sizes while they got down and dirty with their girlfriends? That just seems like it would be uncomfortable for everyone involved.

In any event, the researchers who conducted the study attributed the difference in finish times to the fact that fat men have higher levels of female hormones than skinny men. Apparently higher levels of female hormones slow a man’s natural progression toward orgasm. Subsequently, the more unmasculine a guy’s body, the more likely he is to be a better lover. Does this mean that skinny, manly-looking women climax faster, like a guy? The study doesn’t say, but we can’t help but wonder. Regardless, if you are a fit man who is a bit of a Speedy Gonzales in the boudoir, you might consider putting your weights down, kicking back and chunking up a little-just the advice you’ve been waiting all your life to receive.

 

Kelly Clarkson still hates salads

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Here’s Kelly Clarkson arriving at her Dublin hotel (Ireland) for her show at the Olympia Theater on Friday looking like she still favors hot baths with sliced potatoes in place of rose petals. Not to be mean or anything, but why are we convinced if an angry fan threw corned beef with cabbage at her she wouldn’t dunk? “You, back there, yes, you with the drums, i could use a fork right now, but your sticks would do!”

 

Nicole Eggert is ready to join the fat farm

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Here’s Nicole Eggert looking like she swallowed a pregnant dolphin on her way to saving a drowning child (while making a necessary stop at a 7/11 to get twinkies on her way there). The only resemblance Nicole Eggert bares to the hot Baywatch chick that tried extra hard to get noticed while running next to Pamela Anderson in these pictures is the color of their bathing suits (although it looks like Nicole’s bottoms are being sucked in by a vagina with a voracious appetite). So as the norm for forgotten d-listers who’s only friend is the General’s face on a bucket of fried chicken bits goes, Nicole is the latest collection of fat rolls to be enlisted in 2010 Celebrity Fit Club. Nicole is willing to put her sweaty rino ass crack on show for a fistful of cash alongside other hungry for money and a dozen honey glazed chops losers such as K-Federline and Bobby Brown. Can’t wait!

 

Serena Williams tries to digest the ox she ingested

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Don’t mess with Serena Williams and don’t look at her “titles” for too long (see shirt she was wearing). She might sit on you and squash you like a can of coke. Serena looked like Myke Tyson after a night of heavy drinking and stripper-slapping on the Vegas strip as she attempted to jog around Wimbledon with her personal trainer, more likely in an attempt to fit her linebacker ass into the shiny pirate pants she wore that night at for the pre-Wimbledon party at the Kensington Roof Gardens…unfortunately, the only thing she achieved was to look like her sister’s bodyguard…