Archive for the "gym" Category

Somewhere Under This Keg, Lies A Six-Pack

 

Every year I always say I want to lose some weight, I want to get fit, I want to go to the gym and sweat my ass off. Unfortunately my desire to eat, drink and be merry always wins. I’d much rather make my favorite pasta dish with garlic toast than run on a treadmill. I’d much rather drink a pitcher of my favorite beer with my buddies than have them spot me while I do squats. I’d much rather hear my kids say, “Dad you look like a superhero!” , rather than “Dad you look pregnant.”

 

 

 

Every year I get inspired and motivated to shake the keg away and reveal the six pack, washboard abs that have been dying to come out! I’m going to shed off all this extra weight and oil my body up everywhere I go, no matter where I go! People are going to walk up to me, asking to touch my muscles and I will proudly flex for them and make ducky faces while doing so. I will buy t-shirts that are too small and they will be so tight that one might think they were painted on me. I’m going to flex for no f*cking reason and stretch my neck from side to side as I stand in random places. I’m going to bend my arm up 90 degrees and point forward every opportunity I get to give directions. I’m going to drink blended steak and raw eggs. I’m going lift people way up above my head because I can.  I’m going to buy a bidet because my arms will be so huge,  I wouldn’t otherwise be able to wipe my ass.

 

 

To accomplish this I need to have a plan and follow it with precision.  Gym membership…I will get a personal trainer this time to give me encouragement as I strive to meet my goals. I will need to consult a nutritionist and cut out the junk. I’m going to need new clothes to fit me better as the lbs melt away. I’ll also need a new car, a car with just as much muscle as its owner. I’ll need to find a new job, one that will allow me to flex. I’ll have to find a whole new set of friends, friends that want to work out. ALL. THE. TIME. and we will all sychronize flex.  I’ll need to divorce my wife because even though she likes the new, buff me, she will hate the fact that I spend more time on my body than hers. I’ll need to move out and find a new home…maybe one close to a GNC.  I’ll need the GNC because they have vitamins. Vitamins will be my new meals inbetween meals. I’m going to buy fitness magazines to go along with my vitamins. I’ll also learn some MMA. I’ll need to buy a few “TAPOUT” t-shirts to let everyone know, that I know…MMA. Some bonehead will challenge me to a fight because he is jealous of my awesomeness. We will have a giant brawl outside of Buca di Beppo and somehow throw each other through the glass window of the kitchen, where I will come face to face with some garlic toast.

 

 

“What? Why yes, I would…I would like some penne arribate to go along with my garlic toast. What? Why yes,  I would also like a beer to go with my dinner.”

You see this is why I don’t work out…no matter what I choose I always end up back with the garlic toast. Atleast if I keep the keg, I get to keep my wife, kids and beer chuggin friends. I think I have made the right choice. Life is too short to worry about washboard abs because in the end, whether you workout or not, we will all end up at the same place. I think I’ll treat myself with a King Size Snickers. 8-O

 

 

Pamela Anderson Shows Off Her Body in a Tiny Bikini!

The former Baywatch star and sex tape star still has a nice body, even though she is already 44! She was at a beach in Hawaii with her boyfriend and she didn’t leave anything up for imagination in a tiny black bikini. I am not sure why she looks like a chimpanzee in the face, but I am going to ignore that and just stare at her ass. That’s not a bad looking ass for a 44 year old and according to her, it’s all thanks to her “diet” and her two sons. “My kids keep me in shape. I play every sport with them – football, basketball, baseball. I’m always outside and on the beach and in the water and I’m not a real gym person. I don’t do the gym and I don’t diet – I’m vegetarian but I don’t diet.” I think we would all want to play a little full contact football with Pamela Anderson. I have a feeling I would “accidentally” somehow always be falling on her tits with my face. So, which Pamela do you all prefer? The Baywatch Pamela or 44 year old Pamela? I’ve included some Baywatch pictures down below. To me it’s a no-brainer, I would definitely choose Baywatch Pamela, but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t still try to hit it now.
 

Cameron Diaz Could Beat Up Your Dad

There’s something about Mary… and it’s a penis.

These pictures were taken yesterday as Cameron Diaz and her boy toy Alex Rodriguez spent some time at a gym in Venice. Even though I really loved Cameron Diaz in the Shrek movies, I don’t like her decision of becoming an ogre in real life too. Seriously, with those arms she could jerk off a rhino. Must just be the HGH side effects she is getting from swallowing all of A-Rod’s spunk.

Guess her feeding A-Rod popcorn during the Super Bowl was less about her being a cute love-monkey to her boyfriend and more about her stuffing food into her submissive date’s mouth. “I don’t care if you don’t want any effing popcorn… you’ll eat popcorn when I stuff it in your piehole and LIKE IT. Now dance for me… DANCE! God I’ve gotta shave my back again. Damn it!”

Cameron Diaz is Ripped Cameron Diaz is Ripped Cameron Diaz is Ripped Cameron Diaz is Ripped Cameron Diaz is Ripped Cameron Diaz is Ripped Cameron Diaz is Ripped Cameron Diaz is Ripped Cameron Diaz is Ripped Cameron Diaz is Ripped Cameron Diaz is Ripped Cameron Diaz is Ripped
 

Kim Kardashian is fugly without her war paint on

Kim Kardashian

This is Kim Kardashian fresh out of her workout session at the gym this morning (Friday, Aug. 29) proving our theory that exercise is not a good thing for her. A, after the 1000th lunge, her ass still looks like lumpy pancake mix without her control panties on and B, sweat is a sworn enemy of the face mask she puts on every morning. Fingers crossed her boobs don’t hold the same surprise element as her face…we are just not equipped to handle news of saggy forehead slappers.