You know how Charlie Sheen allegedly shot then-fiancée Kelly Preston in the arm way back in 1990? Well, he claims he didn’t fire the gun. At a recent stop on his Violent Torpedo of Nonsense tour, he explained he was making coffee while he thought she was asleep and (according to E! online)…
“I was downstairs early in the morning making coffee and I thought she was still asleep upstairs,” he said, regaling the crowd. “And I heard a f–king gunshot go off. I thought, ‘She did it, she finally f–king did it. She killed herself and they’re going to f–king blame me.’
“So I abandoned the coffee, because a gunshot in the morning will wake you up better than a nice cup of coffee,” he said, drawing increasing laughs from the crowd.
“I come around the corner and there’s naked Kelly Preston at the top of the stairs, holding her wrist, staring at me, covered in blood…and I thought, that’s pretty f–king hot,” he explained, before quickly adding, “I didn’t. I didn’t.”
“She explained to me when she lifted my pants off the scale in the bathroom…the tiny revolver I used to carry…it fell out of the back jeans pocket and hit the floor and shot a bullet right between her legs,” he explained amid much interjecting from his onstage cohort. “So she got hit with shrapnel from the toilet bowl.”
When refuting accusations that you shot your fiancee make sure to casually drop that she’s a crazy bitch who was going to kill herself anyway. For the benefit of the dudebros listening to the story mention that she was like totally naked and covered in blood. Like in horror movies man, it was so hot! Haha, kidding, but not really. Blahblah blah, she set of the gun (maybe purposefully, right?). Then BAM, toilet shrapnel. Totally foolproof story. Next time try to include how she just made it up to get your money for that extra touch of douchery that makes a story credible.