Archive for the "mistress" Category

David Arquette’s Ex-Mistress, Jasmine Waltz, Has a Sex Tape

David Arquette’s ex-mistress Jasmine Waltz, who has unfortunately been infected with a drug-resistant strain of Chronic Sexyface, might be pretending to be devastated by the fake accidental release of a tape featuring her and someone who is not even David Arquette doing grown up wrestling with each other.

Apparently the tape features naughty Valentine candy heart play, because there’s nothing sexier than covering your body with sugary, chalky residue and ruining a holiday (although, if they must ruin a holiday, I’m glad they ruined Valentine’s Day and not a cooler holiday like Halloween or the Fourth of July. Imagine the horrible things that could happen when stars combine genitalia and explosives).

Quoth she:

I’m absolutely shocked that the public is now going to see what I made with my boyfriend on Valentine’s Day. I’m not even famous which blows my mind even more, I’m just a girl in Hollywood.

Isn’t it funny how the tape just mysteriously got into someone else’s hands for profit? Suuuure, you had nothing to do with the video’s release. We believe that. And just when we had completely forgotten all about this chick and her 5 minutes of fame. Well, as much fame as banging David Arquette could possibly bring.

Besides, that quote sounds more like the voice over intro to a reality show that I would not admit to watching.

 

Rachel Uchitel, Tiger’s Ex-Mistress, Wants to Become a Private Eye

Rachel Uchitel’s latest incarnation (after being Tiger Woods mistress and brief Celebrity Rehab “star”): private detective. She tells the NY Post she will not be tracking down cheating husbands anymore, but rather, “I want to solve cases for the underdog, for people who don’t have a voice.” Also, she might call her firm Puma PI and I quote; “because I’m not yet a cougar.”

Who gives a crap you say? I do. Very much so. Because I love detective novels and this is great material for my first novel:

It was an odd turn of events that led me here, to this dingy office on the wrong side of the tracks, on this dark and stormy night. The sign on the door read ‘R. Uchitel, Private Dick.’ It was ironic, since dick was the reason Rachel got into the sleuthing business. But I had no time to ponder that now. I was in trouble and I needed her help.

Her sleek high heels slammed to the floor as she swiveled to face me. “I learned my trade being hunted by the tabs,” she breathed. And now the hunted is the hunter. “I need your help,” I said, getting down to business as she poured scotch for the both of us. “I’m in big trouble, and I hear you’re the kind of woman who’s not afraid to grab the Tiger by the tale.”

She leaned towards me, her cleavage creating its own punctuation. “I’ve definitely mastered my stroke,” she purred…

Pretty sure I’ve got the beginnings to a New York Times Best Seller on my hands.

 

Forget Golf Digest;how about Tiger Woods’ golf balls in Playgirl?

ex_golf_digest_cover_tiger_and_obama

This latest report seems to solidify the fact that Tiger Woods is not only messed up, but a certified moron. Because allowing a money-hungry slut to take pictures of your dick with her cell phone is just the right thing to do when secrecy is mandated. And so it seems this yet to be identified mistress of his is also looking to cash in by offering his naked pictures to various publications, including Playgirl. The magazine has confirmed the offer exists and says they are trying to authenticate the photos.

“We’re in the process of authenticating the photos to see if the offer is real,” says Playgirl Marketing Director Daniel Nardico. “You can take photos of anyone and would it even be worth it, without a way to truly identify him?  So, our attorneys our accessing for possible monetary worth.”

Nardico also confirms the woman with the pictures is not one of the 7 women whose alleged affairs with Woods have already been reported in the media. He says the woman is “another [mistress] that is going to come out. She’s not out yet. I don’t have any [more] information.”

We’re suggesting Golf Digest gets in on the action(the magazine had the worst possible timing by having prez Obama and Tiger on its January 2010 cover with the title “10 tips Obama can take from Tiger” and described them as “siblings separated at birth”). Maybe the title should be “10 sex tips Obama shouldn’t take from Tiger”…because after all, Michelle is no Elin so we wouldn’t want Obama’s presidential balls to be in danger of getting lost in…the woods…