Archive for the "Nipples" Category

Did you know?

I came across some interesting “facts” that I wanted to share with you all.  I say “facts” in quotes because you can’t believe everything you read on the internet. – Abraham Lincoln

Did you know you can pinch the skin on your elbow with your fingers and it will not hurt?  Interesting, because if you cut yourself there, it hurts. I know because as a child I had many elbow boo-boos.

Did you know if you eat enough carrots you will actually turn orange? This is absolutely true, however I don’t know for sure because I don’t like carrots enough to test this theory. I definitely don’t like carrots enough to actually, physically turn orange.

Did you know that fried worms reportedly taste like bacon? No and I never will.

Did you know the ‘G’ in ‘G-string’ stands for groin?  I thought it stood for, ” Gawd Daaaaayum!!!”

Did you know the opposite side of a dice cube always adds up to seven? You have too much time on your hands my friend, but now that I know,  I think this is totally an awesome fact and look forward to sharing this with everyone I come across.

Did you know there aren’t any clocks in Las Vegas casinos?  Because in Vegas, win or lose, nobody gives a ‘cha-ching’ what time it is.

Did you know that the aphrodisiac ‘Spanish Fly’ is made from dried beetle sh*t? I’m sure my exes have put much worse into their bodies.

Did you know the chances of you dying on the way to get your Super Lotto tickets is greater than your chances of winning?  The way that I live, that means my chances are pretty good.

Did you know McDonald’s is the largest distributor of toys? McDonal’s can suck my McD!ck.

Did you know the plastic tip on your shoe laces is called an ‘aglet’?  Cool, now when I see one missing,  I can be like, “Dude, you’re missing your aglet.”

Did you know according to U.S. FDA standards, 1 cup of orange juice is allowed to contain 10 fruit fly eggs, but only 2 maggots?  You should see what the FDA allows in Ketchup…Ranch Dressing is now the condiment of choice. I’m sure the FDA also allows things into ranch, but I haven’t Googled that, so I’m good.

Did you know sex can unblock a stuffy nose? Sex is a natural antihistimine. Atleast this is what I tell my asthmatic wife.

Did you know that there are enough people in the world who enjoy the sensation of insects crawling on their genitals that they have a name for it?  ‘Formicophilia’.  I believe this one. Who would make up this kind of sh*t?

Did you know that there is a ‘Superman’ somewhere in every episode of Seinfeld?  Did you know there was a Superman inside Wonder Woman when they were dating?

Did you know that a ducks quack won’t echo?  The next time I happen to be standing in a cave with a duck, I’ll let you know.

Did you know that in your lifetime you will have eaten about 70 assorted insects and spiders?  This is precisely why I sleep with a ski mask. Plus if I ever have a burglar they will see me and just leave because they will think that I’m already on the job. It’s some sorta burglar code.

Did you know you can’t lick your elbows? Did you also know you can’t lick your own nipples? Unless you have a C cup and above to maybe a DD…I’m not sure.  I need some girls that fall within those lines to come experiment with me. Scientific research.

Did you know a person can live without food for about a month, but only about a week without water?  I’ve seen Castaway with the voice of Woody from Toy Story, I knew this one.

Did you know that the Guinness Book of Records holds the record for  being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries? Public Libraries still exists???

 

 

 

HAPPY THANKS-CELEB-GIVING DAY

Now who do we thank, and what do we have to be thankful for?

Watch Martha Marcy May Marlene and say thank you to Elizabeth Olsen for stripping topless in the indie flick. It sure is something MK and Ashley have never done. Who needs skinny-ass identical twins when you got the whole package in just one boobielicios Olsen sister?

Emma Frain for stripteasing her way into stardom. The hot young model just knew how to work a figure stunt. And when we say figure, we mean curves.

Annalynne McCord for going bra less. She could give the boys a better treat by pulling off a Courtney Love nipple slip, too!

Nadia Ford and Eva Ward for looking so cute-and-cuddly feline porno material. Girls, where are your daddies? Well, for now, perhaps Hugh Hefner would be interested. Oh wait, you have to be blond, …and lose those cat ears!

Amy Adams for her lingerie look on InStyle magazine. Seems like pur favorite Shopaholic is about to make addicts out of her male fans. Since it’s Thanksgiving and it’s going to be Christmas soon and sheer is a fall/winter 2011/2012 trend, can you please wear something more see-through? Pretty please, please, please?

And finally…

Rob Pattinson, for dumping Kristen Stewart on November 5, if only it’s a fact. However, it’s just too good to be true. The Twilight stars are still together so we’d have to cancel the Edward’s fans runner-up for future Mrs. Pattinson. And we almost believed the allegedly great news. Thanks to the Enquirer.

Now let’s drink to all that.

 

Thursday’s Miscellaneous Junk You Might Like (11.17.2011)

Check out that old lady checking out 58-year old Pierce Brosnan. “Boy, I sure would love to tap that young hot ass! Now, if I could only get my stroller to go a little faster…”

Remember Stephanie Powers from Heart To Heart? Well, she looks like this now. And she’s in the British version of “I’m a celebrity…get me out of here”.

Donald Trump looking more oompa loompa-y than usual.

Bradley Cooper just got voted Sexiest Man Alive by People Magazine. Seriously? He doesn’t even have lips! Donald, show them yours, baby.”

Who wants to see Angelina Jolie’s 80-year old legs?

Charlie Sheen has substituted drugs and whores with well, food and whores. That’s the only way to explain the gut and the smile (on the set of his new movie).

Holly Madison just made turkey a thing for my fantasies. Is that wrong??

Lady Gaga’s nipples are showing. And I’m guessing the sperm hat means she’s promoting birth control?

Ex-Pussycat doll Jessica Sutha in a bikini in Miami.

So it turns out Stacy Keibler is a freaking genius. That cleavage we showed you yesterday? Well, it was meant for George Clooney’s parents. “Georgie boy, you gotta marry this one. Her breasts, er, brain really spoke to me.”

So what if Twilight’s Breaking Dawn Part I sucks? The ladies looked hot at the premiere so it’s all good.

Courtney Love has gone on a rampage to blind me this week.

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Wednesday’s Miscalleneous Junk You Might Like (11.02.2011)

“Y’all want me to show you how to break a neck with my thighs? Dang, i just sharted on Joe Jonas!”

Kris Humphries licking his post-divorce wounds by hosting a late-night party in Vegas, er, I’m guessing topless?

Demi Moore and Melanie Griffith need to get together and share a potato chip because they’re getting too scary to look at.

Gerard Butler has also lost a lot of weight. Must be the strictly no-vagina-for-a-month diet.

At least Coco and her braless ta-tas know how to eat. It’s more or less a 12-plate affair.

Who wants to see Sofia Vergara bend down to pick g-strings?

Heidi Klum gave her second costume ape nipples. And forced Seal to dress up like a monkey. Let me remind you, she’s a blue-eyed German and he’s black. Mel Gibson says he wants to bed her.

Miranda Kerr knows how to walk the streets of Manhattan.

Blake Lively getting carried around by shoe maker Louboutin.

David Hasselhoff wants to make a quick stop for a burger with onion rings.

And a couple of Angels spraying perfume in heaven.

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I’m guessing Brooke Mueller dressed up as a breast-feeding apparatus?

Here’s Brooke Mueller at the 18th Annual Dream Halloween party sponsored by Toys R Us and benefiting Children with AIDS pretty much topless and I just wrote that sentence to make it even clearer that she has her shit together and is on her way to rehabilitation. Somewhere out there Charlie Sheen just scoffed at this and spat a loogie in disgust: “Ahah! Who’s the crazy one now, hah?? Hah?? Oh crap! I forgot I was still playing hide and seek and sent those strippers to hide in the fridge! Maybe I should defrost them, I don’t like my vagina cold.”

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Thursday’s Miscellaneous Junk You Might Like (10.27.2011)

That’s James Franco’s cold ass on the cover of Flaunt magazine. Guess he wanted to show us he has no ingrown hair??

Jennifer Nicole Lee’s nipples are on the menu today.

Eva Longoria gets a full body scan at LAX. When they were telling us something positive would come out of the terrorist attacks, they meant this, didn’t they.

SJP’s mesmerized by that black microphone. Hm, wonder why…

Scarlett Johansson in her role as an “alien sex predator”. Her reptilian tentacles must be hiding under that 70′s fur.

George Michael is in fine form these days.

Orlando Bloom looks incredibly manly.

Jennifer Love Hewitt should stick to bandage dresses.

Johnny Depp needs some help walking at the premiere of Rum Diaries.

This is where Leonardo DiCaprio parked his penis for the week. Meet model Madalina.

This is Courtney Stodden just 18 months ago, before she decided to chase the dream of becoming a slutty child-bride.

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Cindy Crawford takes her pokies to The Red Square

Cindy Crawford took to the cobbled streets of the Red Square in Moscow, Russia, yesterday, obviously to peddle her organic, fair-trade and fairy-dust filled cosmetics to the Russian comrades who were more busy staring at her frozen nipples. We tried to do the same, since, well, we love pokies and their plight to fight through garments, but damn it, why did she have to show us her Shar-Pei knees? And just in case you missed them, we produced a close-up for you. Demi Moore, you have time and booze on your hands now, so show her how it’s done, baby.

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Monday’s Miscellaneous Junk You Might Like (10.03.2011)

Evangeline Lilly’s cleavage steals the show from Hugh Jackman at Real Steel’s premiere in L.A.

Lindsay Lohan and her nipples looked disheveled at Kanye West’s fashion show.

Leann Rimes proves bones also carry the curse of cellulite. She just put down that celery stick, didn’t she?

Anna Friel was a slutty pirate with an out-of-control hair piece at Bob Geldof’s 60th birthday party.

AnnaLynne McCord needs to eat. Jared Leto needs to eat. In fact everyone needs to eat. Except Mariah Carey who ate her five dogs at the end of their park walk. Exercise does bring on the munchies.

Continuing the “marriage makes you fat, ugly or both” theme from the previous week: Anna Faris and Ben Affleck.

Jessica Simpson takes out what was under her dress all this time. Surprisingly it isn’t a bag of chocolate-covered nachos.

Rihanna changes her hairdo and upgrades her wardrobe to Jersey Shore status.

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Jennifer Aniston’s nipples can break through kevlar

Here’s Jennifer Aniston in NYC yesterday doing some shopping and i swear this woman has the most boring wardrobe in Hollywood. Having said that, who needs an elaborate get up to showcase your assets when your breasts possess an x-men-like ability to break through barriers simply by staring intensely at them? I swear, that bra is made out of teflon. True fact. Now who’s the boring one, Brad Pitt? Can YOU do that with your nipples?

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Rihanna and her nipples are in Ireland

Rihanna is currently in North Ireland filming the video of her new single We Found Love, and we’re going to assume fields filled with hay and mudd to roll around are hard to find in the States. So here she is basically topless and with her zipper undone, because that’s the only way to tell the story of findng love before changing into a bandana that doubles as a crotch-holder and puffing one cigarette after the other. While surrounded by fields of DRY straw. The NRA must be all over this one.

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Thursday’s Miscellaneous Junk You Might Like (9.22.2011)

The new season of Topmodel has started so Tyra’s ass is back to eating skinny supermodel-wannabes.

Rosie O’Donnell must some incredible lesbian charm we don’t about because she can get girlfriends to go with her coffee now. True story, she met this one at Starbuck’s.

Simon Cowell has opted for Botox and fillers. Because his inability to control his facial expressions was bothering him.

If you squint hard enough you can see Amanda Seyfried’s nipples.

Vanessa Hudgens still having sex with that Disney kid. Because she has a thing for extra soft hair-free baby skin. (We’re talking about his face you perverts!!)

Elisabetta Canalis shows us why George Clooney kept her for so long.

Beyonce puts on her disappearing fetus act again.

We get it. Justin Bieber wants Selena Gomez to be his octomom. He posted this.

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Nicki Minaj Had Some Serious Nipple Slippage

Nicki had a monster wardrobe malfunction before the weekend, when her nipples were slippin’ all over the place while onstage for Good Morning America’s Summer Concert Series, in Central Park, New York City. This prompted the Parents Television Council to commence its puritanical pants-shitting, and as we all know, now we’ll have to pluck out the children’s eyes. Because they saw a tit!

Seems people’s biggest fear these days is that their kids will see this and start beating off. People need to understand that their kids are already beating off. They know more about how to work a computer than most adults do and even if all they had was the Sunday newspaper, it would be enough to jerk it too. We know this because when we were 14 we gave ourselves blisters.

In any case, we prefer Mila Kunis causing our cocks to vomit, rather than Nicki Minaj causing the more traditional kind of puking.

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One Shot of Tila Tequila Please, With Exposed Nipples

If you’ve ever been to Mexico, you might have heard the saying: once you get a taste of a fine Tequila, nothing else will quench your thirst. Luckily, Tila’s more than happy to keep her sexiness on tap… or at least her nipples constantly visible. Either way, we’re totally satisfied.

 

Jessica Stam Has Awesome Taste in Dresses

We had no idea there was such a thing as the “Mercedes Benz Fashion Week” held in Berlin, Germany every year, but now we do because Victoria’s Secret supermodel and hot Canadian, Jessica Stam, wore this see-through dress. She’s apparently the official face of the event, and by the looks of things, the official boobs too. Which is cool, since had Germany won the war, she’d also be the official face of the Nazi party’s annual “Salute to Big Titted Blondes” event.

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No Bikini Can Contain Nicola McLean’s Tits

Nicola McLean is an English glamour model and general media loving whore, but mostly she has big tits. Real big tits. So big that when she put on this bikini while vacationing in Spain, her areola decided to peek out from the horizon of the fabric to say hi. Oh, happy day. This means it will be a short winter or something. If I had any math skills, I’d draw up a nifty graph showing the complicated relationship between breast size and efficiency of bikinis, and Nicola McLean would be at the top of a very sharp downward spike.

Anyway, here are five pictures of Nicola doing her thing in the sun, and four of them show her nipple. The only one that doesn’t, is when she’s getting her lower back massaged by some gentleman I now officially hate. He’s a douche.

If her breasts were any bigger, there would be serious global problems. They’d block out the sun.

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Rihanna Really Isn’t a Fan of Bras

Tell you the truth we were mostly joking when we said that Rihanna was all about showcasing her nipples in the “Man Down” music video, but now we think we’re onto something. This woman despises bras. And we love this woman.

Presented here, for you, for the appreciation of Rihanna’s lifestyle, are two pictures of Rihanna and her very thin shirt. Above we have an example of how the paprazzi’s flash brings out the bright, healthy pink color of Rihanna’s nipples. Bottom, we have another angle that allows us to fully appreciate the heft and size of her breasts.

 

Taylor Momsen Takes Her Titty Flashing Tour Over to Europe

The world politely averted its eyes when 17-year-old Gossip Girl star Taylor Momsen showed her nipple-taped boobs at The Download Festival in Leicestershire, UK this weekend. Oops, did I say “politely averted its eyes”? I meant “took a million pictures and pretended to be outraged, thereby creating a flimsy excuse for publishing these perverted images.”

Yes, you are a pervert for looking at these pictures, and I am a pervert for posting these pictures, and now we are all going to Hell. Let’s blame this on author Cecily von Ziegesar (she wrote the Gossip Girl books) and call it a day, okay?

I would comment more on her boobies, but I for one do not want a sign in my front yard, so I will not comment on this till July 28th.

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Rihanna Has a New Music Video, Causing Us to Stare at Her Tits

When we saw Rihanna’s new music video for her song “Man Down” all we really saw was her trying to showcase her nipples. At least, that’s how our sick minds interpreted the video. How else are we supposed to understand the white, see-through number that Rihanna’s sporting here? What, she just happened to wear something that would subtly show her tits?

She’s a superstar musician with all of Def Jam behind her, and if she wanted, she could easily have worn something else and/or had her nipples digitally removed from the video. But she didn’t. So here we are, watching her music video, waiting for the part with the walking and the tiny, white top. Clearly, Rihanna has studied our viewing habits, and she knows that a hint of nipples = happy us.

 

Hey Dita Von Teese, We Can Totally See Your Nipples

Man, it never rains, but then it pours celebrity nipples all over us. First it was Coco today, and now it’s Dita Von Teese’s turn. What did we do to deserve this… and how can we make sure to do it every single day of every single week, forever and ever?

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Coco Wants You to Look at Her Juicy Tits and Nipples

Understandibly there’s a great deal of (totally justified) talk about Coco Austin’s ass, we’d all be remiss if we didn’t pay attention to her front side as well. And to make sure we don’t forget that, Coco posted this lovely picture via her Twitter for last week’s Titty Tuesday.

Granted, it’s not a topless shot, but it’s so close to being one, that we don’t really care. Though it does present us with an interesting challenge… how are we supposed to decide whether we’d rather be staring at Coco’s tits or ass? Oh, who cares, as long as we’re staring at Coco, we’re perfectly content.

 

Courteney Cox Has a Nip Slipping Bikini Malfunction

Maybe she just feels liberated by her separation from David Arquette, but we’re glad Courteney Cox finally allowed us a glimpse of the goods. Really throws that whole Monica persona right out the window for good, right?

Plus, now we can definitely say that we are willing to be young, upstart deer to Courteney’s cougar anytime. We were already pretty down, but now we might start lying around in known cougar hunting grounds, looking vulnerable and available.

 

GQ Magazine Has Some Sexy Rachel Bilson Outtakes

You may have oo’ed and ahh’ed over GQ’s February 2008 spread of Rachel Bilson (we know we certainly did). But it seems that all that time, GQ was holding out on us. They had nipple pics, and they didn’t share!

Or at least one nipple picture, which has just surfaced as an outtake from the shoot. Sadly, Rachel isn’t actually topless or anything…but her top is see-through enough to allow a lovely view of what lies beneath…OK well the nipple has been Photoshopped out…So yeah, no actual nipple to speak of and we pretty much just lied. But quite frankly, these images are still good enough for us (well, until she actually poses for us topless).

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Brooklyn Decker Finally Gives Us a Peek at Her Boobs

Brooklyn Decker’s nipples have been shamelessly flirting with us for the last few months—but at long last, they’ve decided that they’re ready for a commitment. By which we mean, full topless visibility. Thank you, Brooklyn!

Now excuse me, I think I’m about to collapse from sheer blood drain due to the sheer and utter hotness of this swimsuit goddess depicted here.

 

Sophie Monk is Not a Big Fan of Bras

You know the old saying… when Sophie Monk’s nipples pop up, spring isn’t far behind! What do you mean, that’s not an old saying? Because it should be.

Oh and she also just split up with her millionaire fiance, less than two months after announcing her plans to wed businessman Jimmy Esebag. Clearly she forgot the part where you break-up with your mark after the wedding.

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Paris Hilton is a Nipplie Hippie

Paris Hilton was seen walking around in Beverly Hills today dressed up like a dirty hippie, a dirty hippie with rock solid nipples trying to break through her dress. I’m just legitimately surprised she has normal nipples that don’t glow green from all the STDs flowing through her veins.

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Hey Alice Eve, We Can See Your Nipples

English actress, Alice Eve, decided to show everyone her two little friends on the red carpet of the British Comedy Awards the other night. Well to be fair she probably assumed that dress was as scandal proof as any dress could possibly be without adding armor and a cloak. It’s the kind of boring shit the First Lady would wear. Unfortunately for her, it was kind of see-through. Fortunately for those of us who enjoy the sight of boobies, it was kind of see-through.

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Hayden Panettiere Has Nipple Pasties Covering Her Golden Globes

Looks like Hayden Panettiere mistook the Golden Globes last night for “take your dad to work day” as she donned a very revealing dress that screamed “Hey! Look at my boobs, but don’t look at my nips please” since she was wearing fugly nipple pasties underneath the dress that became very noticeable when exposed to all that pesky flash photography.

That giant boyfriend of hers is none other than Ukrainian heavyweight boxer Wladimir Klitschko, whom I’m sure she has lots of things in common with, and so much to talk about with a guy who makes his living getting punched in the face by deranged Russian pugilists. OK to be fair on the guy, he holds a PhD in sports science and is also a political leader in the Ukraine… so even LESS for Hayden to relate to.

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Kate Hudson’s Nipples Say Hi

Kate Hudson got right back into mummy-mode today by taking her son Ryder Robinson to school this morning, and she wasn’t alone in doing so. Her two hard little friends were standing at attention the whole time as if in sub-zero temperatures. I’m quite sure the older kids in school will be childishly having a laugh about that for a few days… as will we, seeing how we are pretty damn immature ourselves over here at TDF.

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Terrorists use Shauna Sand’s breasts as bomb pouches

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Hey, did you hear the news about terrorists recruiting women and implanting bombs in their breast implants? Well, here’s Shauna Sand at the Miami airport and we’re pretty sure terrorists saw her huge sawn-on areolas and thought a detonating device could easily be inserted without surgery…just a good pocket knife to cut through the seamstress’s stitches. And it wouldn’t even have to take any recruiting…just telling her she’d be in a movie called “Giving The Infidels A Blow…Up Job” would be enough to Allahu Akbar.

 

Shauna Sands dresses down for dinner;translation:sewn on nipples don’t go Freddy Crouger on us

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A couple of days after giving her little daughter a definite reason to say these lines on Bad Cops “i’m a drug-addicted prostitute and yes, i killed the bastard!” a few years down the road (see mommy dearest popping out nightmare nipple for photo op), Shauna Sands decided to dress down for a dinner night out with her girlfirends at Coco De Ville in West Hollywood (Nov. 11). This is definitely one girl that knows how to do demure (no need to be scared of the nipples…they are fenced, so they can’t bite today).

Photos: Fame

 

Anna Friel is getting used to the whole naked thing

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Here’s Anna Friel exiting Theatre Royal in London after another naked rendition of Breakfast At Tiffany’s and not thinking twice about wearing a bra under her see-through dress…and honestly, who would? It’s like you’ve already gone skydiving from a plane without a parachute and people are still asking you if you’re afraid to go on a trampoline…or a porn star getting gang-banged until she’s blue in the face and then asked if she objects to doing the missionary for a scene…anyway, you get the idea.