Archive for the "split" Category

Did Heidi Klum Cheat On Seal?

It was a shock to the entertainment world when Heidi and Seal filed for divorce earlier this year. They both were pretty quiet about the split afterwards, but now it looks like the gloves are off. During a recent family vacation in Italy, Heidi Klum was seen being very friendly with her long-time bodyguard. He looked as if he was Heidi’s boyfriend and not just a bodyguard.

Well, Seal is not happy and he’s not holding anything back. He talked with TMZ and had this to say,

“My main priority is the emotional well-being of our children and to be quite honest if there is going to someone in their lives, I’d rather it’d be a familiar face. I guess the only thing I would have preferred is that…I guess I didn’t expect any better from him, I would have preferred Heidi show a little bit more class and at least wait until we separated first before deciding to fornicate with the help, as it were.”

Wow, that is just so shocking and really quite disturbing; I mean who uses the word “fornicate” anymore? No, really. That is pretty big news; can you imagine finding your wife in bed with the bodyguard? It’s not like you can do anything about it because he is a freaking bodyguard! He’d whoop your ass if you tried anything funny. All you can do is leave the house and file for divorce, which is kind of what Seal did.

It is important to note that Klum is denying these reports. “It is sad that Seal has to resort to this kind of behavior and spread these untruths about the mother of his children” she said in a statement to Us Weekly.

Whose side are you on? Team Seal? Or Team Heidi? Heidi and Seal Heidi Bodyguard Seal

 

Ronan Keating MARRIAGE SPLIT

 

Heather Locklear calls off engagement with Jack Wagner…and what’s up with her face?

Here’s Heather Locklear at the Twilight premiere with her daughter Eva, without her engagement ring and while her people only confirmed the split from Jack Wagner I’m pretty sure he got dumped because he simply wasn’t good marriage material. I mean does he drink and drive at the same time while his daughter’s a passenger? Does he love to throw whiskey bottles around at family reunions? Is he even a rehab regular for God’s sake? Tell them Richie.

PS: It appears to me Heather’s been using too much of that helium magic for her face, non?

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Thursday’s Miscellaneous Junk You Might Like (10.05.2011)

Miranda Kerr takes time away from her infant son to show her side boob in Paris.

Lady Gaga’s tits are showing, but somehow this one’s a classy outfit. That’s what happens when you have a meat dress to compare it to.

Rihanna handles London with the same grace and elegance she’s known for. Yo, limeys, is anyone going to grope my ass or what, i ain’t got all day here!!

Beyonce’s infatuation with her growing uterus is now getting weird. This was in her new video.

Blake Lively has split from Leonardo DiCaprio and is looking for her next love through Tarot cards. Hey lady, skeletor here behind you. Love is starin’ right back at ya, baby!

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Jason Biggs and his wife hired a prostitute for his birthday

Jason Biggs apparently did not only get married to the weird, freaky little chick in American Pie, he did so in real life as well. Jenny Mollen, who is obviously an exhibitionist, wrote a very lengthy article on TheSmokingJacket (owned by Playboy) about how she hired a whore for her husband’s birthday to spice up their marriage (back then they were married for only a year) and went on to describe the details of the tryst, including the prostitute having sex with Biggs and giving her compliments on her blow job skills. She then wrote how the experience enriched their relationship and helped them stay together. Perfect wife so far you say? Sure, only this one also likes to tweet that she dreams about her husband getting cholera and that a black penis comes in to save her.

Here’s a few excerpts from her article:

So my husband and I got a whore. I’m hoping, unless you’re some sick depraved dissolute of a person, this isn’t the kind of thing you hear everyday. If it is, fuck you, I thought it was pretty gangster. So, ok, where do I begin? I wanted to do something special for his birthday, isn’t that how all these stories start? We were married for just over a year, and in Gemini years, that’s like twelve.

The adventure started when I called up my asshole friend, Chelsea and asked if she knew any “massage therapists”. Chelsea insisted that this chick would come over and with the proper amount of alcohol, do whatever we wanted.

That night, I made the arrangements. I set the mood, turned on some Enigma, and poured champagne. My husband, however, paced around the house like a lunatic, wondering if he was going to get arrested for having a hooker visit our home. The girl arrived at the proper whoring hour of 9pm. I answered the door in a see-through bra and undies. I led her upstairs to my bedroom where she set up her massage table. About thirty minutes in, I started to realize something was wrong. This girl wasn’t a prostitute!! This girl was a legit massage therapist! Fucking Chelsea set me up. The entire hour she wouldn’t shut up about my rotator cuff and various bulging discs.

…As we scurried out of possibly the saddest airport on Earth, I honed in on a photo of a thin brunette with elbows for boobs and made the call. “Hello?” A cutesy voice chimed in instantly.

“Hi, um, Ava?”, I stuttered. Come on Jenny, pull your shit together, you are a bad ass renegade on the run.

“Yeah, well, my husband and I are in town tonight and we were wondering if you (we?) could get together”, I coughed out.

“Sure, what time were you guys thinking?“ she said plainly. Dude, this girl is a hooker right? I mean, she realizes that I am talking about sex acts? Her tone made me feel like I was hiring a fucking babysitter!

“Why are you not weirded out by what a freak I am?“ I thought silently.

“How about, four?” I said. I am a total loser!

Who calls a whore when it is still light out? Better question, who wants a whore coming to their room when they are stone sober and on their way to a family birthday party? I’ll tell you who bitches, me the renegade, that’s who!

“Sounds good. Why don’t you call me when you get to your hotel, give me the room number and I’ll be there.”

“Done”, I cooed and hung up.

We checked into the Four Seasons under the name Drew Peacock.

Before I could answer the question, there was a knock on the door. My husband opened it to reveal a no more than three foot tall Filipino chomping gum and twirling her hair.

“Eva?” he exclaimed. “Hi, guys.” she purred as she walked over to a chair and sat down.

I was a bit taken aback. This girl looked nothing like her photos online. In fact, to me, she kind of resembled one of those little island pygmies from Gulliver’s Travels. I wasn’t sure how this was going to work out.

“Why is everybody so giggly?” she went on.

I really only had one way of answering this which was, “Well, because you are a hooker and you are in our hotel room.”

“Oh, and you didn’t mention that you were a gartenswerk in your profile.” I decided against saying anything. Further laughter ensued until finally my husband said, “So, should we talk business?”

I took this to mean that he was willing to look past the munchkin factor and proceed as planned. Eva asked for three hundred dollars just to talk shop. She explained that it would just cover her bills and her “door fee.” Bullshit the kind of party we were going to have was up to us. In other words, hinged on how much more cash we were willing to fork over.

“Why is Bilbo Baggins being such a sheisty little bastard?” I thought.

Frustrated, my husband handed over the money and bluntly said, “OK. What can you do for three hundred more?”

Eva, laughed and asked us to hold as she called her fucking nail lady and told her she was going to have to push her appointment back an hour. We just sat there as she described what was going on with her acrylic and how she needed her fill a week sooner than usual. Once she hung up, my husband notified me that he was going to have to run down to the ATM for more cash.

My husband burst back into the room just before she asked me to start spinning the bed sheets into gold. He was out of breath and Eva talked over him.

“Ok, so, I will go down on him, and you can sit on his face, ok?” she declared.

I was jarred by how fast she got down to business when the money was near. She was like a shark circling its prey.

“Um…ok.” I gulped.

As she started to pull her rip-away outfit off, my husband stopped her.

“You guys, stop, this isn’t going to happen!” he stated. “I went down to the ATM and I couldn’t get anymore money out!” he said frankly. The shark looked angry.

“Do you accept cashier’s checks, I offered?

“No.”, said Eva, putting her top back on.

It was now five o’clock. An entire hour past and we accomplished nothing. Eva got back on her cell and made another call.

“Yeah, they can’t get anymore money. Just pull around front. I’m coming down,” she said, to who I assume was her pimp on the other end of the line.

…I was able to convince my husband to stay another night by promising we could spend the next day lounging by the pool and sipping mai tais. My ulterior motive of course being, “operation: finish what I started.” I told him that in exchange we were calling his host friend who works in the casinos and having him send us the most professional call girl he knows. He obliged and within thirty minutes our phone was bombed with photos of the “merchandise.” Aside from feeling like a dirty old man, I felt accomplished. “Finally, a professional” I declared. My husband stared at me like I was a small Larry Flynt. We texted Keisha, (hooker # 2) that we would love to meet up sometime tomorrow.

The chick was wearing five-inch heels and had tits that seriously could have knocked anybody under six feet tall unconscious. There was no way she was passing for anything other than maybe Barbarella. In other words, she was hot. I took my cues from the previous day’s disaster and cut to the chase.

“We want you to go down on him for six hundred bucks,” I proclaimed. Keisha, being the professional that she was, didn’t bat an eye.

“Great,” she said plainly. In that instant I realized, I love this whore. First, she informed us that she wasn’t into girls and that if I wanted any action it would only be coming from my husband. I was fine with this at the time, but in retrospect, what the fuck? For six hundred bucks, I’ll be telling you what you’re into! She walked us through all the potential upsets: Wife gets hurt and wants to stop, husband can’t get erect; wife and husband can’t focus because they are too aware of the other’s emotions etc. I felt like I was in driver’s ed. and I loved it! This is exactly the type of information I wanted to be armed with. My husband, however, didn’t have the same reaction. With sweaty palms, clearly a bi -product of all the newly discovered potential for failure, he undressed and sat on the bed. Keisha instructed me to do the same.

“Do you want to go down on him a bit?” Keisha suggested. In my mind I was thinking, “No, dude, that’s why I paid you the six hundred dollars, to do the work for me! I’m going to be over here eating chips.” Of course, there was no way my husband was going to let me get away with that so I obliged.

The most exciting part of the day was Keisha complimenting me on my blowjob skills. I love approval of any kind. Sadly, however, I think it was pretty obvious that my husband and I were both bored. He quickly became flaccid and we were left with nothing to do but stare at each other.

“I kind of feel like you are a giant baby and we are putting a diaper on you,” I blurted out.

“Umm, that’s not what I wanted to hear, Jen.” my husband laughed.

…On the plane ride home I texted Keisha and thanked her for her work. What ever it was she had done, worked. I was instantly more aroused by my husband. He seemed so mysterious to me. Even though the actual act was relatively boring and a financial bust, the reliving of it grew hotter and hotter in my mind. “What a sweet whore,” I said to my husband, staring down at the flickering lights of good ole Sin City. He laughed and grabbed my leg. Something was rekindled between us. Or perhaps something blossomed that was never there before. I don’t know which it was, but I felt closer.

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Demi Moore is going off the deep end. Ashton Kutcher, he no know nothing.

Amidst fresh rumors that Ashton Kutcher has cheated on her with someone a quarter of her age, Demi Moore, twitted this picture of her looking like a dead Steve Buscemi with the caption,”I see through you” apparently referring to her ability to see through his full-of-shit-colon. Ashton, ever the sensitive guy, twitted the following: ‘When you ASSUME to know that which you know nothing of you make an ASS out of U and ME.’

Now if you’ll excuse me, i feel the need to put some metal between me and this photo. I don’t want people to know how much i drink when she x-rays my kidneys.

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So Did Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Separate, Or Not?

This whole Will Smith and Jada Pinkett are splitting up rumor is getting super complicated, but we’re going to try to explain it all to you anyway (we are just that nice):

It all started yesterday, when In Touch Magazine reported that Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith – Scientology super couple and breeders of superiorchildbots - had separated, and that a Jada Pinkett-Marc Anthony affair on the set of Hawthorne caused the Smith break-up and the J.Lo-Anthony one. Jada’s publicist’s first comment on the matter: “What? In Touch said that? I know nothing about this… Lord. I’m going back to bed.” (Maybe she was surprised to be fielding a hetero rumor?)

The next official comment was a tweet from Will’s teen son Trey Smith:

“Did #WillandJada split? No they did NOT split ! False information.”

Then Jada’s publicist got her shit together just enough to deny half of the rumor, but not the half people were talking about: “Everything about the Marc Anthony story is completely false, but we are not commenting on whether they are separating or not.” Finally, Will and Jada officially denied the whole damn thing:

“Although we are reluctant to respond to these types of press reports, the rumors circulating about our relationship are completely false. We are still together, and our marriage is intact.”

Why so much confusion? Were they trying to take the high road? Or was there a kernel of truth to the allegation? TMZ reports the couple is “having significant problems” but hasn’t yet “pulled the trigger.” Radar reports that the Smiths are raising a “legal team” to deal with the issue – but to sue In Touchor to help them divorce? The report doesn’t specify!

Maybe this whole thing has nothing to do with an affair. Maybe instead one of them just briefly broke free of their Scientology mind-control and made a run for the exit, before being locked back down! It’s gotta be hard to make a Scientology marriage work, if one person is even slightly less crazy than the other.

Either way, Jada’s publicist’s nap time is totally ruined!

 

Jesse James & Kat Von D Have Split Up

My dear, dear friends, this is a sad day indeed: Jesse James and Kat Von D have called off their engagement and broken up. Didn’t see that coming, did you? Just like none of us saw the news of Amy Winehouse dying coming.

E! News reports:

Kat broke the news tonight on Twitter, posting, “I am no longer w Jesse, and out of respect for him, his family and myself, thats all the info I’d like to share. Thanks for respecting that.”
The couple began dating in August 2010, shortly after the scandal broke of the 42-year-old James cheating on ex-wife Sandra Bullock.

These two beautiful souls should have stood the test of time. Jesses was later quoted saying, “I’m so sad because I really love her. The distance between us was just too much.” You guys, honestly, if an insecure serial monagamist and a lying cheater can’t make it work, what hope do the rest of us have?

Now please, someone, tell me they were both dumb enough to get ginormous tattoos of each other’s names on that one remaining clear patch of skin they had.

Jesse James & Kat Von D Broke Up Jesse James & Kat Von D Broke Up Jesse James & Kat Von D Broke Up Jesse James & Kat Von D Broke Up Jesse James & Kat Von D Broke Up Jesse James & Kat Von D Broke Up
 

Charlie Sheen’s Last Goddess Leaves Him

Following in the snail trails of former Goddess and former porn star Bree Olson, Charlie Sheen’s alpha goddess, marijuana bikini model and former nanny, Natalie ‘Natty Baby’ Kenly, has left him. TMZ reports:

Sources close to Charlie tell TMZ, Natalie Kenly moved out last week – but hell hath no fury like a Warlock scorned … because we’re told, the actor DEMANDED she return the Mercedes he bought her.
According to sources close to the actor, Charlie brushed off the break-up, claiming it’s “not a common thing for the Masheen!”

TMZ’s description of what happened next:

We’re told Charlie’s penis celebrated the split by declaring war on the entire world, conquering three women from three different countries — Mexico, Australia, and Colombia — the very night Kenly walked out.

Then King Solomon said, “I will cut the penis into three parts,” and the nu-goddesses shrugged and replied, “While you’re at it, could you please cut the coke?”

Guess there are worse ways to console oneself than a multi-national orgy. Much worse.

Charlie Sheen's Last Goddess Leaves Charlie Sheen's Last Goddess Leaves Charlie Sheen's Last Goddess Leaves Charlie Sheen's Last Goddess Leaves Charlie Sheen's Last Goddess Leaves Charlie Sheen's Last Goddess Leaves
 

Hayden Panettiere is Also Single

Hayden Panettiere and her boxer boyfriend Wladimir Klitschko have split up. She said in a statement, “While we decided to split, we feel great sympathy and respect for each other and will surely stay close friends.” He added,”We had a great time together. But more and more we realised how difficult it is to maintain a relationship when living on two continents . I cherish Hayden as a person and woman. I’m sure we will stay friends.”

Wladimir responded, “It turns out finding blonde midgets in the Ukraine is much easier than I originally anticipated.”

Guess she was just getting tired of stuffing her innards back inside every time she tried to take a walk somewhere.

Hayden Panettiere is Single Hayden Panettiere is Single Hayden Panettiere is Single Hayden Panettiere is Single Hayden Panettiere is Single Hayden Panettiere is Single
 

Bar Refaeli is Single

Leonardo DiCaprio and Bar Rafaeli have reportedly broken up. The reason: “They just grew apart and went their separate ways.” Anti-climactic, but pretty normal.

Page Sixreports:

The source added: “Neither were ready to settle down, and both have busy careers that have been taking them in different directions.” Rumors of an impending split began when DiCaprio had a boys’ weekend with Bradley Cooper and Ryan Kavanaugh in Mexico last month. DiCaprio and Refaeli were then seen going in opposite directions at separate events around New York the night of Anna Wintour’s Met Ball on May 2 — he hit the Standard Hotel and she partied at the Crown.

You would think that there is NO way that Bar is going to stay single for long, but what you have to take into consideration, is the nightmare that random guys go through trying to pick her up in a noisy bar:

“Hi, what’s your name?”
“Bar”
“I know we’re at the bar but what’s your name?”
“Bar”
*bewildered face* “WTF!?” *slowly back away*

Bar Refaeli is Single Bar Refaeli is Single Bar Refaeli is Single Bar Refaeli is Single Bar Refaeli is Single Bar Refaeli is Single Bar Refaeli is Single Bar Refaeli is Single Bar Refaeli is Single
 

Joe Jonas and Ashley Greene are No More

No more in the sense they split up, not in the sense someone offed them… Sadly.

Joe Jonas’ relationship with Twilight star shley Greene is a sham! But not because he likes the cock! Because he lost interest in Ashley weeks ago, say Page Six and Us. Why these two even bothered to continue a fake relationship for so long is unclear (better photo ops? nicer tables at California Pizza Kitchen?), but Joe described Ashley’s charms thusly:

“I think what works about it is she really puts my feelings first. She understands my busy schedule. She’ll fly out to my shows – she’s been to places in South America that I can’t even pronounce.”

Maybe she just likes to travel?

So is Joe basically saying that the best thing about his relationship is that his girlfriend is the one making all the sacrifices? But he gives back to her with his music. Obviously.

 

Olivia Wilde is Single

Were you aware that Olivia Wilde is married to a foxy Italian prince? That’s okay, it’s over now anyway. Wilde and Tao Ruspoli are divorcing after eight years of marriage.

People has the exclusive:

“They have been living apart after trying for quite some time to make their relationship work,” says a source.
Wilde, 26, eloped with Ruspoli, 35, an Italian prince whose family owns Rome’s Palazzo Ruspoli, when she 18 years old.

Yes a Prince… His father was aristocrat Prince Alessandro Ruspoli, 9th Prince of Cerveteri. So for all the ladies out there, one more royal on the market; your quest to become a princess just got easier. Now you only have to battle the dragon of distance, the ogre of obliviousness and the arachnid of anonymity to obtain your hearts desire!

According to Us another anonymous insider claims:

“It was Olivia’s decision…for the typical Hollywood reasons,” another source close to Wilde tells Us. “Her career has exploded and she saw being married is not as much fun. She feels she missed out on being single getting married so young, and wants to sow her wild oats.”

Yeah right, I think it’s the other way around. He probably got tired of banging her and jamming his dick into bone matter. And we all know girls that skinny have eating disorders which keep them from getting wet. Probably felt like he was sticking his penis into a box of Puppy Chow.

Olivia Wilde is Single Olivia Wilde is Single Olivia Wilde is Single Olivia Wilde is Single Olivia Wilde is Single Olivia Wilde is Single
 

Scarlett Johansson Called Sandra Bullock a Man-Hungry Tramp

Oh snap! Seems Scarlett and Sandy are on the verge of a wet t-shirt cat fight after Scarlett supposedly called Sandra a man-hungry tramp when she heard that Sandra is getting all cuddly with Ryan Reynolds. Personally I think Sandra is just a cover for Betty White. You know Betty and Ryan are doing it!

The National Enquirer, who are known for their excellent 100% honest and truthful reporting say:

A “livid” Scarlett Johansson “exploded” at Sandra Bullock, who is maybe-dating Scarlett’s ex Ryan Reynolds “before the ink on their divorce papers was even dry”: “You’re a man-hungry tramp!” Scarlett apparently screamed in a fit of rage and in front of an undercover operative for the National Enquirer. Sandra may be known as ‘America’s Sweetheart,’ but she’s NO sweetheart to Scarlett.

Seriously now The National Enquirer… “man-eating tramp”… who the hell uses that anymore? Did she then call her a “strumpet”,”hussy”,”frigid”… you know, all those words young people use nowadays.

I’m going to go ahead and call BS on this. I think the National Enquirer is scared that the fake Angie/Jen war is played out, so they’re trying to drum up another “wronged ex-wife/man eating tramp” scandal. But if this is true then Scarlett is just pissed that Ryan isn’t sitting with a tub of ice cream, watching The Notebook and crying over her ass.

Now this seems like an appropriate place to leave this letter right here that I keep sending to Scarlett but never get a reply.

Dear Scarlett,

I am no male model, nor famous, nor rich, but all of these things will work in your favor to stick it to Mr. Reynolds.

Call me. I can cook, I will appreciate you, and absolutely guarantee that you will end the relationship and not I.

P.S. I love you.

 

Shakira is “On a Break”

At first we thought she was lying. But after checking  with her hips (who don’t lie) it is indeed true that Shakira and long term boyfriend of 11 years, Antonio de la Rúa, have broken up. Shakira realeased this State of the Union Speech announcing her reentry into single life:

Dear Friends,
During our almost 11 years together we have loved each other deeply, taken care of each other and stood by one another. They have been the most wonderful years of our lives, and thanks to that love and the respect that we share for one another we have been an exceptional couple and partners.
However, since August 2010, we made a mutual decision to take time apart from our romantic relationship. Throughout this time we have continued to work together hand in hand, have remained close and have kept the details absolutely private until now.
We view this period of separation as temporary and as a time of individual growth as we continue to be partners in our business and professional lives.
Antonio continues to oversee and conduct my business and career interests as he has always done. We move forward as partners, developing projects together, working hand in hand and in close communication. Our friendship and understanding of one another is unwavering and indestructible.
We would like to advise that we will not be giving interviews or making more statements with respect to this matter and we appreciate in advance your understanding and respect during this sensitive time in our lives.
Shakira and Antonio

“Antonio continues to oversee and conduct my business”… So umm, is Shakira saying they are still “friends with benefits” ?

But we have our own theory on this breakup, Shakira wants to have sex with Barcelona soccer star Gerard Pique who rumors say she’s been seeing for a while and Antonio de la Rúa wants to have sex with……Gerard Pique.

 

Taylor Swift & Jake Gyllenhaal Broke Up… Well That Didn’t Last Long

SHOCK… HORROR! Taylor Swift and Jake Gyllenhaal have broken up, after dating for about 17 minutes. Well in reality you have “to be” before you can “be over.” This was a fauxmance from the start. What “is over” is the “release of her album” and the “release of his movie.” Thus, the PR stunt has now outlived its usefulness­. Even better Pass-Aroun­d-Patty comes away with more songwriting material to to grace us all with and Jake gets a whole bunch of heterosexual publicity. Win win.

Speaking of a win, we were nice enough to write Taylor Swift a song last month exactly for this occasion!!!

But we realise that as awesome as that song was it’s more along the lines of Jake breaking her heart, which really doesn’t happen in a PR relationship. So Taylor, just for you, we wrote you another number 1 hit!!!

BEHOLD:

I’m Fakey Breaky Hearted

I had a fake romance
With pictures by a fountain
Together we looked weird
And then there’s Brokeback Mountain

But I’ve released my record
And they’ve premiered his pic
And all the People photos
Were enough to make you sick

So its time to end the joke
And pretend that we have parted
But first lets make more cash
By singing “I’m Fakey Breaky Hearted”

…………………………………SECOND GRAMMY PLEASE!!!

 

Mila Kunis is Single and Macaulay Culkin is Home Alone

The dance is over kids. After quietly dating for seven years, Mila Kunis and Macaulay Culkin have quietly ended their even quieter relationship. Mila was clearly way out of his league anyways. But we give them props for keeping their shit down and not subjecting us to countless Enquirer and USWeekly covers where we would have to suffer his inbred face. Let’s see if Mila keeps it that way and doesn’t become an attention whore now that her Hollywood stock is rising. Hopefully she is grounded enough not to pull a Lohan or Britney meltdown. But we are still bracing ourselves for the sex tapes Macaulay will hopefully leak. He looks like he would be into taping himself tapping such a hot chick.

According to the New York post:

Kunis’ rep confirms that she and one-time child star Macaulay Culkin have gone their separate ways. “The split was amicable, and they remain close friends,” her rep said. Kunis started dating Culkin seven years ago, when she starred as the snobby “Jackie” character in “That ’70s Show.” A source said the couple split some time ago but has kept it low-key while Kunis promotes the movie.

Just once, can’t a publicist say something like “The split was a disaster and they now hate each other”?

Good news is that now maybe she’ll return my calls. Well I’ll give her a few weeks, a true gentlemen allows a lady time to heal before calling on her as a suitor. Which is why I’ll be romantically hiding in her linen closet until the time is right. You have to be sensitive to a woman’s feelings you see. *puts on hockey mask*

 

This Weeks Celebrity Break-Up Trilogy

There’s food in my pantry older than most Hollywood marriages, and this week has been a week of celeb break-ups left and right. So instead of making 17 million posts on each break-up here are three of the more newsworthy splits that have occurred in the last two days.

Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson

According to TMZ, Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson, that married pair of perfect people, are “living apart.” Just shows you that, no matter what Men’s Health says, abs like that aren’t enough to keep a woman that good.

They realesed an official joint statement to UsWeekly: “After long and careful consideration on both our parts, we’ve decided to end our marriage. We entered our relationship with love and it’s with love and kindness we leave it. While privacy isn’t expected, it’s certainly appreciated.”

Damn it! Now I have to break it to the girlfriend that our 2011 goal of swinging with the Reynolds-Johanssons is a no-go.

‘High School Musical’ stars Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens

High School is over: Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens have split. According to E!, “They were together for so long. It just ran its course.” However, no cheating seems to be involved.”It’s nothing dramatic,”. Efron and Hudgens met on the set of Disney Channel’s ‘High School Musical,’ the surprise set of TV and big screen films that launched them to superstardom.

Ahh so sad *sniff* *sniff*. We hope they both find good boyfriends­.

‘Dexter’ stars Michael C. Hall & Jennifer Carpenter file for divorce

Dexter’s latest victim? His marriage. According to Entertainment Weekly, the show’s stars, Michael C. Hall and Jennifer Carpenter, have filed for divorce. The on-screen siblings and off-screen couple announced their divorce after nearly two years of marriage. The couple’s representatives issued a joint statement to EW saying, “Having been separated for some time, Jennifer Carpenter and Michael C. Hall have filed for divorce.”

Well Harry always did tell Dex not to get romantical­ly involved with co-stars. He broke the code.

 

Rachel Weisz and Darren Aronofsky Split Because Of James Bond

Actress Rachel Weisz and her longtime partner Darren Aronofsky , who is a director and the man behind the beyond awesome Jennifer Connelly ass-to-ass scene in Requiem For A Dream, have split up after nine years of being together and the rumor is that James Bond himself, Daniel Craig, may have been the man to assassinate their relationship.

TMZ reports:

Reps for the former couple tell TMZ, “Rachel Weisz and Darren Aronofsky have been separated for some months. They remain close friends and are committed to raising their son together in NYC.”
Sources tell us the couple will seek joint custody of their 4-year-old Henry Chance.
And sources tell TMZ Rachel has been linked to “James Bond” star Daniel Craig for months. They worked together on the upcoming flick, “Dream House,” in February and March of 2010.

Now I’m not even sure if any one of them deserves my mockery… Rachel likes to go naked in a few movies, gotta respect a broad who knows where her talents lay. Daniel Craig is James Bond and as such is obviously awesome, and Darren as I previously said is responsible for that ass-to-ass scene and thus many hours of masturbation for me…

 

Have the Pussycat Dolls split for good?

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The Pussycat Dolls have split up because of bitter arguments and jealousy over lead singer Nicole Scherzinger’s fame, say reports.

The catfight is said to be due to Lewis Hamilton’s girlfriend overshadowing the rest of the group.

“It is war. They have broken up for good,” a source told the New York Post newspaper.

“None of the other girls are speaking to Nicole, who they believe took the limelight, then went off to do her own thing.”

But the band’s founder, dancer and choreographer Robin Antin, has denied the reports.

She told US website Hollyscoop: “The Pussycat Dolls are very much alive and there is no truth to the silent treatment statements.

“Nicole and the Dolls have always been close.

“Nicole is and always has been a strong creative force within this group and I cherish the way we collaborate.”

The girl band started out as a burlesque act in Los Angeles in the mid-1990s and have been through several changes in line-up.

Their first hit was Don’t Cha, featuring rapper Busta Rhymes, which reached number one in 2005.

Reports of an impending break-up have escalated since the quintet announced they were “taking a break” in August.