Jessica Simpson’s life sucks right about now and this is why:
Her douchebag ex has already moved on with Candice Crawford, sister of Gossip Girl star Chace, a younger and possibly hotter girl.
Her other douchebag ex has gotten back together with Vanessa Minnillo, squashing hopes of a distraction from the above.
Her sister Ashlee is making fun of her by talking to magazines about how desperate she is to get knocked up…oh, and she’s one of the hottest chicks on Melrose Place, which doesn’t help Jessica at all.
Her career needs the same amount of electroshock as Jason Statham needed for his artificial heart to keep working in Crank 2 High Voltage (and no, walking in a potato-sack on the catwalks of Paris does not qualify as a career-resurrection).
Having no other male-options left (Carrot-top is still available, right? As far as we know, no lucky girl has snatched him yet) rumour has it she is now pining for yet another of her ex douchebags, John Mayer. Knowing John and his love of expressing himself poetically on Twitter, expect something similar to the following to be posted in a matter of hours:
“No, Jessica has not played by beef bongos for a while now…nor has she blown my pork bugle as of lately…and i certainly haven’t raffled her fun curtains recently…”
Here’s Jessica licking her wounds on the beaches of Brazil…is sea salt good for wounds?
Britney Spears looking as sexy as a trailer with flower curtains. “Them shorts sure are purty, ain’t they?”
